MLB looks into allegedly disturbing makeup of Yankee Stadium pitching mounds

NEW YORK - Pitching mounds at most Major League Baseball stadiums are made out of pretty standard materials, sand, dirt, tears from the away team locker room and maybe some contaminated material gathered from a nearby EPA cleanup site if the stadium is near New Jersey, of Pittsburgh.

Here in New York, some are claiming that the pitching mounds at Yankee Stadium might be made from something a bit more sinister though.

"It's like 'Soylent Green,' that creepy future movie!" said Joe Stanton of Staten Island. "They've been culling the poor performers from their summer kiddie camp for years, grinding them up and using them for mound fill for years."

Stanton is not the only one making claims that the Yankees have been using ground up children in their pitching mounds. Records show that since 2007, more than 50 claims have been filed with MLB alleging improper materials being used in the mound. The majority of those imply or at least seem to imply some sort of ground human material is being used in the mounds at the famed stadium.

The Yankees deny any wrongdoing or anything out of the ordinary when it comes to their mounds.

"Show me one team that doesn't have ground up children in their pitching mound and I'll show you a unicorn with a pig nose and three butts," said Frank Giotella, a Yankees spokesman who has been fired since our interview with him. "How else are we going to channel the energy of the kids into our veterans on the mound?"

Other Yankees spokespersons distanced the team from the allegations, noting that MLB's investigation was not complete and they declined to comment further until the league's report is released.

The families of those alleged to be ground up and used in the pitching mound at Yankee Stadium weren't so mum though.

"Just because my little kid brother can't hit a curveball from the pro pitcher that comes to camp one day during the summer doesn't mean he needs to be killed and ground up, right?" said Julie Vellaros, a Brooklyn native who claims that her little brother went to an exclusive Yankees baseball camp and never returned. "I mean, geez, A-Rod can't hit a curveball to save his life and they haven't ground him up yet, right?"

Vellaros also claimed that after the camp her family was paid an unusual visit by Yankees personnel.

"They came and asked for any stuffed animals or other soft personal effects of my brother's," she said. "I asked them why and they just laughed and said 'Nobody likes to pitch off of a hard mound, ground up bones have to be combined with soft possessions, duh!' and they left. It was the strangest day of my life."

Before being fired, Giotella confirmed that ground up people didn't make good pitching mounds unless some of their softer personal items were included in the fill.

"Everybody knows that the best mounds are made from ground people, and the best ground people mounds are made from a delicate mix of people and their softer possessions like sheets, pillows and especially stuffed animals in the case of kids," Giotella said. "It just adds a certain je ne sais quoi and most definitely helps the home team."

The only other team MLB is investigating for unusual material in their pitching mounds is the Detroit Tigers, who have been accused of padding their pitching mounds with the crushed hopes and dreams of Detroit's residents. While the Yankees are possibly facing public backlash and legal fallout if it's found they used ground people in their pitching mound, it's unclear what rules, if any, Detroit would have broken but the MLB is still investigating the matter.

(This is obviously completely fictitious and ridiculous, in the same vein as the Onion's satirical news stories, so please don't take it seriously in any way shape or form! lol)

LeBron James stuns fans, switches sports and signs with Maple Leafs

LeBron James holds his new jersey up at a press conference announcing his move to the NHL. The move shocked and confused both hockey and basketball fans.

The high-profile free agency of basketball sensation LeBron James took a strange turn with the surprise announcement that he will be moving to Toronto, not to play for the Raptors of the NBA – but to play instead for the Maple Leafs of the NHL.

James stunned basketball and hockey fans alike with the decision to switch sports and sign the 2-year, $30 million deal with the Maple Leafs, which makes him the highest paid player in the history of hockey. Apparently the Leafs were able to exceed the league salary cap because the cap language only applies to “hockey players,” and the Leafs’ lawyers were successfully able to argue that clause did not apply to James, primarily a basketball player.

James said the money was a draw, but that mainly he just wants something new.

“I’m excited to be taking on something new and exciting with this whole hockey thing,” James said at a press conference at the Rogers Centre in Toronto while eating a bowl of poutine. “I’m kind of tired of basketball, you know? This way I can really be King James and stand out like never before.

“Plus,” he added. “How many of you all have ever lived in Ohio? Seriously? I still think it’s hilarious that anybody thought for a second I might stay in that decaying, Rust Belt hellhole.”

The move puts James in the same category as past two-sport athletes like Bo Jackson (football/baseball), Deion Sanders (football/baseball) and even his idol Chicago Bulls legend Michael Jordan who had a short, unsuccessful stint playing baseball in the Chicago White Sox farm system.

However, the combination of professional basketball and professional hockey is not common. Reporters at the conference questioned James’ hockey prowess, which he confidently defended.

“Look, it can’t be any harder than playing against guys like Kobe, D-Wayde or Bosh, right?” James asked, referring to other NBA superstars. “I’m sure that once I learn to ice skate, I’m gonna dominate the ice like I dominate the court. The NHL’s not ready for this, but I know I am.”

Fans seemed universally shocked at the move.

“I was really hoping he’d come to the Knicks,” said John Decker of New York City. “I mean, hockey? What the fuck? That’s almost as boring as soccer, and a lot colder to watch in person.”
He did, however, say that he would definitely watch James’ debut on the ice with the Leafs whenever it happens on television.

That is exactly what Toronto Maple Leafs president and general manager Brian Burke wants to hear. He said at the press conference that he was excited about the prospect of increasing the team’s fan base.

“We’ll be reaching a whole new audience with this signing,” Burke said. “LeBron has a strong fan base that we believe will follow him from across the United States to Toronto and from the NBA to the NHL.”

Hockey fans also seem confused and surprised.

“A basketball player lacing up, eh?” said Gordie Melrose, a Leafs fan living in Toronto. “The whole thing sounds like a crazy stunt that probably won’t help the team at all, eh. Did I hear him say in the conference that he doesn’t even know how to skate yet?”
James had been wooed by several NBA teams, but said the perks of living the True North were too much to pass up.

“Loonies, poutine and free healthcare? Sign me up, Canada has always intrigued me” said James. “And no, I never considered the Raptors even if I had wanted to stay in the NBA. If I ever wanted to play amateur ball, I would have gone to college.”

In the end though, James said the decision was really about cementing his place in sports history.

“When you think about it, nobody’s ever done anything quite like this,” James said. “Plus, there has only ever been one famous hockey player, right? Wayne Gretzky, or something like that. I figure once I get settled in I’ll be the king of the whole sport.”

Burke said it was unclear when James would make his debut on the ice for the Leafs, but assured reporters that the team wanted him playing as soon as possible. He did note that James would begin ice skating lessons once the team’s trainers were fully over their Canada Day hangovers.

Also of note, stock for the struggling Versus Network, which airs NHL games, doubled on news of James’ move to hockey, as analysts say it is now slightly more likely that the few Americans with access to the station may watch some of James’ games.

(Note - this is of course completely fake, and written in the style of the Onion... lol)

I stumbled on the remnants of Little Italy

So in my daily lunchtime venture to Chinatown, I stumbled upon Little Italy... or what's left of it at least (keyword here being "Little")

As nearby Chinatown has been expanding, it has taken over most of Little Italy... which I guess makes Little Italy kind of like Tibet, right?

What, too soon?

Anywho... after work, I decided to go back to Little Italy and explore some more and sift through the touristy Italian-themed gift shops to look for somewhere to have a nice Italian dinner.

The whole time I was totally imagining what it would have been like 75-100 years ago when it was really an Italian neighborhood and organized crime was taking hold (of course my imagination looked eerily similar to the flashback scenes in the Godfather II... but whatever)

Holy crap... no wonder Little Italy is shrinking... except for a couple pizza places, the average price for a meal was about $20! They're pricing themselves out of existence. I could walk a block over and get some amazing Chinese for a third of that... but I wanted to try some damn Italian.

I did find a little dive bar in Little Italy that was kind of fun. The folks inside were nice and we heckled the evening news together... but the beer I got ended up being six bucks... which is not conducive to hanging out and throwing back several drinks. Plus, they didn't have food.

I eventually found a relatively cheap little place for food and wandered on in. The sign outside advertised a beer special, and the windows were decorated with "wine and beer" written in three-foot tall letters.

When the waiter eventually comes by, I ask what they have on tap.

"We don't serve alcohol," the waiter tells me. That should have been a hint to leave... but I'm not that smart.

I give him a baffled look and point to the aforementioned "beer and wine" window... about five feet away from where I'm sitting.

He looks at it, kind of surprised, and tells me they're having liquor license trouble... Hmmmm...

So I figure whatever, and that not ordering a real drink will end up saving me money anyway. The food was actually pretty good, but overall the service was slapstick slow.

It literally took about 15-20 minutes to get my change back after paying the bill. I think they thought I would give up and just leave the waiter am 80 percent tip... despite the fact he was awful and slow.

What should have been a 30-minute dinner ended up taking a little over an hour.

Oh, and by the way, I was literally the only person in the dining area for all but the first five minutes I was there, so they weren't too busy or anything (another hint I should have picked up on).

As I was waiting (and waiting) for my change, I couldn't help but think "this gets my lowest rating ever... seven thumbs up."

On the way home, I wandered around the Bowery and SoHo and got lost and came across a free Onion box... which I hadn't seen in a while.

The front page story about Obama for some reason just cracked me up. It was about "Time" publishing the most definitive fluff piece on Obama ever.

I actually burst into loud laughter on the train... and got some pretty strange looks to say the least. Most people just sort of keep quiet and to themselves on the train.

I think I also mortified the guy on the other side of my paper (most people on the train will intently read the back of somebody else's newspaper or brochure no matter what it is if it's in their line of sight...)... while I was reading about Obama... his view was of one of the fake columns on why controversial art exhibits are great.

It makes reference to several (I hope) fictional exhibits featuring things like "a guy in the East Village who's going to vomit Cheerios into a piggy bank and smash it open with his penis" and seeing "someone drink glow-stick fluid and vomit onto a canvas covered with pictures of Nelson Mandela."

It was a very strange and hilarious little column... and I might have laughed out loud while reading that one too.

Well in honor of the neighborhood the post is about, I'll close with a random fun Overheard in New York post from Little Italy...

"Fat Italian guy in velvet running suit: Everybody fucks... We all fuck... But did she have to fuck a guy with tits?!

--Little Italy"