NEW YORK - Pitching mounds at most Major League Baseball stadiums are made out of pretty standard materials, sand, dirt, tears from the away team locker room and maybe some contaminated material gathered from a nearby EPA cleanup site if the stadium is near New Jersey, of Pittsburgh.
Here in New York, some are claiming that the pitching mounds at Yankee Stadium might be made from something a bit more sinister though.
"It's like 'Soylent Green,' that creepy future movie!" said Joe Stanton of Staten Island. "They've been culling the poor performers from their summer kiddie camp for years, grinding them up and using them for mound fill for years."
Stanton is not the only one making claims that the Yankees have been using ground up children in their pitching mounds. Records show that since 2007, more than 50 claims have been filed with MLB alleging improper materials being used in the mound. The majority of those imply or at least seem to imply some sort of ground human material is being used in the mounds at the famed stadium.
The Yankees deny any wrongdoing or anything out of the ordinary when it comes to their mounds.
"Show me one team that doesn't have ground up children in their pitching mound and I'll show you a unicorn with a pig nose and three butts," said Frank Giotella, a Yankees spokesman who has been fired since our interview with him. "How else are we going to channel the energy of the kids into our veterans on the mound?"
Other Yankees spokespersons distanced the team from the allegations, noting that MLB's investigation was not complete and they declined to comment further until the league's report is released.
The families of those alleged to be ground up and used in the pitching mound at Yankee Stadium weren't so mum though.
"Just because my little kid brother can't hit a curveball from the pro pitcher that comes to camp one day during the summer doesn't mean he needs to be killed and ground up, right?" said Julie Vellaros, a Brooklyn native who claims that her little brother went to an exclusive Yankees baseball camp and never returned. "I mean, geez, A-Rod can't hit a curveball to save his life and they haven't ground him up yet, right?"
Vellaros also claimed that after the camp her family was paid an unusual visit by Yankees personnel.
"They came and asked for any stuffed animals or other soft personal effects of my brother's," she said. "I asked them why and they just laughed and said 'Nobody likes to pitch off of a hard mound, ground up bones have to be combined with soft possessions, duh!' and they left. It was the strangest day of my life."
Before being fired, Giotella confirmed that ground up people didn't make good pitching mounds unless some of their softer personal items were included in the fill.
"Everybody knows that the best mounds are made from ground people, and the best ground people mounds are made from a delicate mix of people and their softer possessions like sheets, pillows and especially stuffed animals in the case of kids," Giotella said. "It just adds a certain je ne sais quoi and most definitely helps the home team."
The only other team MLB is investigating for unusual material in their pitching mounds is the Detroit Tigers, who have been accused of padding their pitching mounds with the crushed hopes and dreams of Detroit's residents. While the Yankees are possibly facing public backlash and legal fallout if it's found they used ground people in their pitching mound, it's unclear what rules, if any, Detroit would have broken but the MLB is still investigating the matter.
(This is obviously completely fictitious and ridiculous, in the same vein as the Onion's satirical news stories, so please don't take it seriously in any way shape or form! lol)
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Mmmm... scenic Detroit, lol
So, essentially I have some family that lives in Michigan, near Detroit, and I love teasing them about that fact. They sent me a link to a silly fake Detroit tourism video that was pretty funny, but I felt it was seriously lacking in Robocop. So I threw together a Detroit tourism video set to the theme music from Robocop (which basically represents Detroit's past, present and future in my mind, lol) and it even includes some clips from the movie ...
I think this one more accurately displays the dystopic future that Detroit has now become, lol. Plus, I love the theme music from Robocop!
I think this one more accurately displays the dystopic future that Detroit has now become, lol. Plus, I love the theme music from Robocop!
Friday, July 2, 2010
LeBron James stuns fans, switches sports and signs with Maple Leafs
LeBron James holds his new jersey up at a press conference announcing his move to the NHL. The move shocked and confused both hockey and basketball fans.The high-profile free agency of basketball sensation LeBron James took a strange turn with the surprise announcement that he will be moving to Toronto, not to play for the Raptors of the NBA – but to play instead for the Maple Leafs of the NHL.
James stunned basketball and hockey fans alike with the decision to switch sports and sign the 2-year, $30 million deal with the Maple Leafs, which makes him the highest paid player in the history of hockey. Apparently the Leafs were able to exceed the league salary cap because the cap language only applies to “hockey players,” and the Leafs’ lawyers were successfully able to argue that clause did not apply to James, primarily a basketball player.
James said the money was a draw, but that mainly he just wants something new.
“I’m excited to be taking on something new and exciting with this whole hockey thing,” James said at a press conference at the Rogers Centre in Toronto while eating a bowl of poutine. “I’m kind of tired of basketball, you know? This way I can really be King James and stand out like never before.
“Plus,” he added. “How many of you all have ever lived in Ohio? Seriously? I still think it’s hilarious that anybody thought for a second I might stay in that decaying, Rust Belt hellhole.”
The move puts James in the same category as past two-sport athletes like Bo Jackson (football/baseball), Deion Sanders (football/baseball) and even his idol Chicago Bulls legend Michael Jordan who had a short, unsuccessful stint playing baseball in the Chicago White Sox farm system.
However, the combination of professional basketball and professional hockey is not common. Reporters at the conference questioned James’ hockey prowess, which he confidently defended.
“Look, it can’t be any harder than playing against guys like Kobe, D-Wayde or Bosh, right?” James asked, referring to other NBA superstars. “I’m sure that once I learn to ice skate, I’m gonna dominate the ice like I dominate the court. The NHL’s not ready for this, but I know I am.”
Fans seemed universally shocked at the move.
“I was really hoping he’d come to the Knicks,” said John Decker of New York City. “I mean, hockey? What the fuck? That’s almost as boring as soccer, and a lot colder to watch in person.”
He did, however, say that he would definitely watch James’ debut on the ice with the Leafs whenever it happens on television.
That is exactly what Toronto Maple Leafs president and general manager Brian Burke wants to hear. He said at the press conference that he was excited about the prospect of increasing the team’s fan base.
“We’ll be reaching a whole new audience with this signing,” Burke said. “LeBron has a strong fan base that we believe will follow him from across the United States to Toronto and from the NBA to the NHL.”
Hockey fans also seem confused and surprised.
“A basketball player lacing up, eh?” said Gordie Melrose, a Leafs fan living in Toronto. “The whole thing sounds like a crazy stunt that probably won’t help the team at all, eh. Did I hear him say in the conference that he doesn’t even know how to skate yet?”
James had been wooed by several NBA teams, but said the perks of living the True North were too much to pass up.
“Loonies, poutine and free healthcare? Sign me up, Canada has always intrigued me” said James. “And no, I never considered the Raptors even if I had wanted to stay in the NBA. If I ever wanted to play amateur ball, I would have gone to college.”
In the end though, James said the decision was really about cementing his place in sports history.
“When you think about it, nobody’s ever done anything quite like this,” James said. “Plus, there has only ever been one famous hockey player, right? Wayne Gretzky, or something like that. I figure once I get settled in I’ll be the king of the whole sport.”
Burke said it was unclear when James would make his debut on the ice for the Leafs, but assured reporters that the team wanted him playing as soon as possible. He did note that James would begin ice skating lessons once the team’s trainers were fully over their Canada Day hangovers.
Also of note, stock for the struggling Versus Network, which airs NHL games, doubled on news of James’ move to hockey, as analysts say it is now slightly more likely that the few Americans with access to the station may watch some of James’ games.
(Note - this is of course completely fake, and written in the style of the Onion... lol)
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Area woman extremely proud on Facebook that she works out, exists
Tampa -- A local IT specialist has proven to both friends and strangers alike, via the Internet, that she loves to work out and especially loves to talk about it, while also providing a disturbing trend of reminding the world she does indeed exist.
Michelle Lammom, 26, frequently regales friends about her workout habits via the social networking site Facebook, often posting at least one to two "status updates" per day featuring announcements like "Wow, I worked out hard today" and "Today's workout was rough, the guys at the clubs better notice these results."
"If I'm going to work my ass off in the gym, I at least want someone to know since I mostly workout to impress my guy friends," Lammom said. "Someday, one of them will realize how I really feel about them, and when that happens I want them to know how much I work out, you know?"
A quick look at Ms. Lammom's Facebook posting habits reveal that while workout posts are a dominant theme, they can sometimes be overshadowed by frequent announcements about her dinner plans (often alone) or even just sharing overall feelings of boredom with the world.
"I feel it's important that my Facebook friends know exactly what I'm doing at any given point, whether it's eating fast food, working out for the boys or just crying in the corner in a fetal position while fantasizing about sexy little hobbits with fabulous rings," said Lammom. " I mean, that's pretty much the whole point of Facebook, right?"
Some, however, would beg to differ on the idea that Facebook posts exist merely to prove as a reminder of one's existence.
"I'm really worried about her," said John Otiston, a local friend. "Most people talk about interesting things they've done or seen, or at least their damn virtual farms and shit. I mean, working out and masturbating to hobbits? Who gives a shit, right?"
Who gives a shit indeed, at least according to a recent Gallup poll that is. The poll shows that 82 percent of straight Americans do not want to hear more than two updates a week regarding a friend's workout habits.
Interestingly enough though, out of the homosexuals that participated in the poll, 66 percent said they like to hear about their friends' workout activity and a stunning 93 percents like to frequently post about their workout schedules.
Michelle Lammom, 26, frequently regales friends about her workout habits via the social networking site Facebook, often posting at least one to two "status updates" per day featuring announcements like "Wow, I worked out hard today" and "Today's workout was rough, the guys at the clubs better notice these results."
"If I'm going to work my ass off in the gym, I at least want someone to know since I mostly workout to impress my guy friends," Lammom said. "Someday, one of them will realize how I really feel about them, and when that happens I want them to know how much I work out, you know?"
A quick look at Ms. Lammom's Facebook posting habits reveal that while workout posts are a dominant theme, they can sometimes be overshadowed by frequent announcements about her dinner plans (often alone) or even just sharing overall feelings of boredom with the world.
"I feel it's important that my Facebook friends know exactly what I'm doing at any given point, whether it's eating fast food, working out for the boys or just crying in the corner in a fetal position while fantasizing about sexy little hobbits with fabulous rings," said Lammom. " I mean, that's pretty much the whole point of Facebook, right?"
Some, however, would beg to differ on the idea that Facebook posts exist merely to prove as a reminder of one's existence.
"I'm really worried about her," said John Otiston, a local friend. "Most people talk about interesting things they've done or seen, or at least their damn virtual farms and shit. I mean, working out and masturbating to hobbits? Who gives a shit, right?"
Who gives a shit indeed, at least according to a recent Gallup poll that is. The poll shows that 82 percent of straight Americans do not want to hear more than two updates a week regarding a friend's workout habits.
Interestingly enough though, out of the homosexuals that participated in the poll, 66 percent said they like to hear about their friends' workout activity and a stunning 93 percents like to frequently post about their workout schedules.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
MLB Commish: 'Fuck it,' 2009 postseason over
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Sunday, August 30, 2009
Redemption for KFC after the EPIC FAIL that was their new grilled chicken...
Redemption. Kentucky Fried Chicken has redeemed itself following the genital numbing folly that was its “grilled chicken” the only way it possibly could have – through introducing a new product that can one could describe as a mouth orgasm that while arousing your taste buds may at the same time be gently easing your heart to sleep.Kentucky Fried Chicken, rightfully so, has thrown their bandwagon attempt at a healthy makeover out the window and is currently test marketing a sandwich that is like a silver bullet straight to the heart (in more ways than one) - the Double Down.
It is made up of bacon, two kinds of cheese and a special mystery “colonel’s sauce” that’s delicious and a little tangy… the kicker though is that instead of bread, those ingredients are put between two original recipe boneless fried chicken breasts. You did not misread that. KFC has inched ever closer to the perfect “sandwich.” By removing the bread, which has historically been the flavorless Achilles’ heel of any sandwich, KFC has helped moved man further up the evolutionary ladder. As a bonus, you can easily get a side of gravy for dipping, which just adds to the amazingness.
That's right... I got a side of gravy for dippin',I went there. I figure it couldn't make it much
worse healthwise anyway, right?
The Double Down is currently in the test marketing stage and only available in Providence, R.I., and Omaha, Neb. Luckily, Providence is a mere few hours away from here in New York…
After the shameful debacle that was the new grilled chicken at KFC, I had to combat the crisis in faith that followed. The Double Down was the sexy, scantily clad angel that came down and woke me up from my crisis with a juicy delicious artery hardening masterpiece… a hot, greasy, juicy angel with cheese, bacon and eleven herbs and spices.
Hopefully, the Double Down will make it out of the test markets and into the KFC’s nationwide… though there are some naysayers who have problems with the Double Down, since it is basically an artery clogging monster of a meal… but nobody’s forcing folks to eat them, right?
The only problems that could foreseeably hinder the nationwide onslaught of Double Downs causing mouth orgasms all around might be that A: They seemed a little too complex for the employees to keep up with making them B: they are extremely hot and burn the fingers (even through the paper thing they come in to hold them) and C: while making them amazing, they chicken breasts are incredibly juicy and tend to squirt scalding juicy goodness in random directions, which can be hazardous.
That being said, hopefully it gets its day and the world can know the tasty bliss that I got to know in Rhode Island this weekend.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
KFC's new grilled chicken? EPIC FAIL
Epic FailI tried KFC's new grilled chicken and it is with a heavy heart that I must report the blandness and overall lameness of KFC's newest endeavor. They have spent an exorbitant amount of money promoting this new product, but perhaps they should spent some of that cash giving the new product some flavor.
For whatever reason, as I understood it, I thought the new grilled chicken was supposed to have a taste somewhat similar to and based on the same amazing flavors as the colonel's original recipe - just without a delicious fried skin. Unfortunately the new grilled chicken did not have the amazingly woven tapestry of sometimes even described as "arousing" flavors as original recipe chicken... in fact, it had no flavor. Col. Sanders is probably rolling over in his grave in Louisville. Even if its taste not supposed to have any relation to the 11 herbs and spices, they should have attempted to give it some kind of flavor.
Words can't describe the numbing disappointment at biting into the grilled chicken breast and tasting... nothing. In the flavor department, it was almost like a chicken breast from the supermarket that was casually thrown on a backyard grill with no preparation or even the most minimal thought. I will say it was juicy, which goes in the plus column... but that's about all that can legitimately go in that column... a lonely and shame filled column indeed.
The even greater concern is the rumblings that corporate KFC plans to rebrand the companies image to reflect fried and grilled chicken as on the same footing in an attempt to cater to the yuppie crowd that prefers the flavorless to the delicious...
KF&GC? That sounds like something out of the Book of Revelations if you ask me.
Those who know me best know that I have a profound, even oft considered disturbing, passion for Kentucky Fried Chicken and its lore. That is why it pains me to pan their newest product, especially when they seem to have spent so much time and treasure trying to promote its virtues.
Please, don't make my mistake and indulge in an entire meal's worth of KFC's grilled chicken, lest you be resigned to an incomparable disappointment so profound that you may not even be able to perform in the bedroom for a time due to the extreme sadness that is bound to follow. Yes, the new grilled chicken was such a tremendous emotional let down that I'm implying it could in extreme cases lead to temporary impotence.
Perhaps I'll have to add a tear rolling down the Colonel's face to this pieceof artwork decorating my apartment.
Monday, May 4, 2009
Some real quick random things... (a.k.a. bullets of course)
Some real quick random recent things...
* This morning the subway wasn't running at my stop, so I had to take a bus part of the way, and then catch my train a few stops down. The reason? Apparently my station was on fire. I walked the ramp to see it filled with firefighters and smelling of burning industrial nastiness. I could barely breathe waiting for the elevator up to where the buses were, so that was an interesting start to the day. It actually still smelled faintly of burning rust and garbage when I got home, which is spectacular, right?
* When I did eventually get off the train by the office, some old guy was dressed like a beatnik and singing on the street corner. The catch? He was singing "Like a Prayer" by Madonna, just rocking out with no music or instruments. It was... odd... to say the least.
* The other day, I was passing by Madison Square Garden and I noticed a few more hippies than usual and I thought to myself "hmmm, I wonder if there's like a Grateful Dead concert or something..." Sure enough, when I turned the corner toward the main entrance, I was confronted by first a tremendously powerful whiff of BO followed immediately by the sight of hundreds (if not thousands) of hippies all massing in front of the arena. There was indeed a Grateful Dead concert.
* Sooo, in one of the odder things my mother has said (and that's saying something)... my mom
called me the other day to let me know that she was going to host what she is dubbing an "eHarmony party" for me. Jiggawha?
Apparently, that means she is going to invite over friends and family of mine who still live in Florida and they are going to pool their knowledge about me to create a profile for me to put on eHarmony. I explained to her how eHarmony bases matches on an in depth profile created through answering like hundreds of personal questions about values, experiences and goals... she basically casually said that shouldn't be problem.
She promised they wouldn't start drinking heavily until the questionnaire was over. Well, that's somewhat comforting, I suppose.
Well, never dull moment, right?
* This morning the subway wasn't running at my stop, so I had to take a bus part of the way, and then catch my train a few stops down. The reason? Apparently my station was on fire. I walked the ramp to see it filled with firefighters and smelling of burning industrial nastiness. I could barely breathe waiting for the elevator up to where the buses were, so that was an interesting start to the day. It actually still smelled faintly of burning rust and garbage when I got home, which is spectacular, right?
* When I did eventually get off the train by the office, some old guy was dressed like a beatnik and singing on the street corner. The catch? He was singing "Like a Prayer" by Madonna, just rocking out with no music or instruments. It was... odd... to say the least.
* The other day, I was passing by Madison Square Garden and I noticed a few more hippies than usual and I thought to myself "hmmm, I wonder if there's like a Grateful Dead concert or something..." Sure enough, when I turned the corner toward the main entrance, I was confronted by first a tremendously powerful whiff of BO followed immediately by the sight of hundreds (if not thousands) of hippies all massing in front of the arena. There was indeed a Grateful Dead concert.
* Sooo, in one of the odder things my mother has said (and that's saying something)... my mom
called me the other day to let me know that she was going to host what she is dubbing an "eHarmony party" for me. Jiggawha?
Apparently, that means she is going to invite over friends and family of mine who still live in Florida and they are going to pool their knowledge about me to create a profile for me to put on eHarmony. I explained to her how eHarmony bases matches on an in depth profile created through answering like hundreds of personal questions about values, experiences and goals... she basically casually said that shouldn't be problem.
She promised they wouldn't start drinking heavily until the questionnaire was over. Well, that's somewhat comforting, I suppose.
Well, never dull moment, right?
Thursday, April 30, 2009
'Maybe it just collapsed on its own'... apparently in this case it did
I don't know if it made the news outside of the city or not (a lot of times it's hard to tell) but a building just up and collapsed this morning in lower Manhattan. It just so happens it was about a block from my office.
In fact, the dozens of fire trucks, police cars and mobile command units that were in the area were between my subway stop and the office on the way to work... and of course were all kinds of in the way, hehe. They had vehicles lining the nearby streets for blocks. Later in the day when I left work, they still had blocked off both the street the building was on and the one behind it to all cars and people.
I'm going to assume a lot of people weren't exactly stunned, since the building was on the same block as the locally famous "Leaning Tower of Broadway," probably less than a couple hundred feet away.
From Flickr (the photostream has some cool shots of the new Mets stadium to boot)
In fact, the dozens of fire trucks, police cars and mobile command units that were in the area were between my subway stop and the office on the way to work... and of course were all kinds of in the way, hehe. They had vehicles lining the nearby streets for blocks. Later in the day when I left work, they still had blocked off both the street the building was on and the one behind it to all cars and people.
I'm going to assume a lot of people weren't exactly stunned, since the building was on the same block as the locally famous "Leaning Tower of Broadway," probably less than a couple hundred feet away.
From Flickr (the photostream has some cool shots of the new Mets stadium to boot)Basically, a while ago they demolished the building next to the "Leaning Tower" and it started easing over (to the South) and they had to put up supports to keep it from falling over. That really builds confidence in the nearby buildings that are of a similar ilk, right? I guess they're worried about the same thing happening near where the other building collapsed and some are reporting that they may have to demolish some of the buildings that were next to the collapsed building for just that reason. Keep in mind a lot of the buildings in the area are designated "historic landmarks," including the one that fell, so that should be interesting...
What's a bummer is there was a pizza place in there that had just opened when the building started leaning over and was condemned... their "Grand Opening" sign is still in the window on the side. That really must have sucked for them...
Who knows, maybe the 59th Street Bridge (also known as the Queensboro Bridge I think) over by the UN building will be next...
What's a bummer is there was a pizza place in there that had just opened when the building started leaning over and was condemned... their "Grand Opening" sign is still in the window on the side. That really must have sucked for them...
Who knows, maybe the 59th Street Bridge (also known as the Queensboro Bridge I think) over by the UN building will be next...
- Hank Scorpio: Good afternoon, gentlemen. This is Scorpio. I have the doomsday device. You have 72 hours to deliver the gold. Or you face the consequences. And to prove I'm not bluffing, watch this... (explosion in the background)
- UN member #1: Oh, my God! The 59th Street Bridge!
- UN member #2: Maybe it just collapsed on its own.
- UN member #1: We can't take that chance.
- UN member #2: You always say that. I want to take a chance!
- Hank Scorpio: Collapsed on its own? You sh... You have 72 hours. See ya.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Someone quite literally "got served" on the train the other night....
So the other night I had a long ride home on the subway. It was late enough that the train was running local... and these three teens were on the train practicing their tap dancing in their regular hard-soled shoes.
They were classically trained and likely had been tapping and dancing for years. So they were discussing timing and beat counts and such while tapping, when this big guy halfway down the car starts kind of mocking them.
He sarcastically started slowly step dancing, with the stomping and the clapping while his crew started cracking up. Keep in mind this was a fairly full train, including a group of girls that the tappers are went to school with...
The girls happened to be near the big guy mocking and a couple of the tappers went to go talk to the girls....
Then the jawing started, with trash talk being exchanged and it eventually escalated into the big guy joking that they were just loud and couldn't dance. From where he was on the train, he probably could only hear a bunch of tapping (possibly sounding like clapping).
One of the tappers started yelling things like "Oh hell to the no, do you really want to do this? Do you really want some of this? I don't want to have to take you to school!"
I was cracking up. It was like something out of a cheesy movie.
So the kid keeps yelling and the big guy keeps taunting.
Eventually, the kid was just like "Ohhhhh... I didn'a wanna do this, but you gone and made me do this!" over and over while he literally took off his normal shoes and put on his tap shoes with the metal parts.
He then proceeded to tap his little heart out down the middle of the train, right up to the big guy and then he started tapping just solely on his toes right in front of the guy essentially playing like a revolutionary war fife tune.
The show this kid put on was something like this video (where his style was more like the second tapper in the video)... and it was on a moving subway train!
Then he of course kept talking trash after the train applauded.
"I didn'a wanna do it! I didn'a wanna! I had to to though, you just got busted and you know it! Ohhhhh!"
It was pretty entertaining. I just wish he had actually yelled "you got served"... but oh well. I probably would have laughed until I peed if he actually said that. Either way it was still pretty neat.
They were classically trained and likely had been tapping and dancing for years. So they were discussing timing and beat counts and such while tapping, when this big guy halfway down the car starts kind of mocking them.
He sarcastically started slowly step dancing, with the stomping and the clapping while his crew started cracking up. Keep in mind this was a fairly full train, including a group of girls that the tappers are went to school with...
The girls happened to be near the big guy mocking and a couple of the tappers went to go talk to the girls....
Then the jawing started, with trash talk being exchanged and it eventually escalated into the big guy joking that they were just loud and couldn't dance. From where he was on the train, he probably could only hear a bunch of tapping (possibly sounding like clapping).
One of the tappers started yelling things like "Oh hell to the no, do you really want to do this? Do you really want some of this? I don't want to have to take you to school!"
I was cracking up. It was like something out of a cheesy movie.
So the kid keeps yelling and the big guy keeps taunting.
Eventually, the kid was just like "Ohhhhh... I didn'a wanna do this, but you gone and made me do this!" over and over while he literally took off his normal shoes and put on his tap shoes with the metal parts.
He then proceeded to tap his little heart out down the middle of the train, right up to the big guy and then he started tapping just solely on his toes right in front of the guy essentially playing like a revolutionary war fife tune.
The show this kid put on was something like this video (where his style was more like the second tapper in the video)... and it was on a moving subway train!
Then he of course kept talking trash after the train applauded.
"I didn'a wanna do it! I didn'a wanna! I had to to though, you just got busted and you know it! Ohhhhh!"
It was pretty entertaining. I just wish he had actually yelled "you got served"... but oh well. I probably would have laughed until I peed if he actually said that. Either way it was still pretty neat.
Monday, April 20, 2009
Phillies crave Wang, nobody is surprised
PHILADELPHIA -- While the Yankees struggle to figure out what seems to be wrong with their starter Chien-Ming Wang, it seems the Philadelphia Phillies are pushing to make a trade for him as a both clever and disturbing marketing move.
"I know he's been a bit limp out of the starting gate as of late," said Rich Dubee, the Phillies pitching coach. "I just see a lot of potential still in the kid."
Wang, who is now 0-3 on the season with a whopping 34.50 ERA after being rocked like a hurricane by the Cleveland Indians (yes, the Cleveland Indians) in a 22-4 loss, seems like an unlikely choice for any club to be courting but the Phillies seem interested.
"When he's hot, you've never seen a Wang explode like that kid can explode, all over the mound, you know?" Dubee said. "I'm optimistic we can work with Wang on his kinks and get him solid again."
Some are doubtful as to the true reasoning for the Phillies wanting to acquire the young talent.
The Phillies called a press conference to address rumors swirling around the team's odd choice of pitchers to pursue and reporters peppered Phillies Manager Charlie Manuel with questions about various potential reasons for the Phillies powerful desire for Wang.
Some questions hinted the move may be geared toward providing potential depth to a pitching arsenal that, when healthy is formidable, but has in the past suffered from mysterious feminine illnesses.
"Brad Lidge and his Lidginal issues last season have nothing to do with Wang... at least nothing to do with Chien-Ming Wang that is," Manuel said. "We're confident in Wang's health and that he'll pass all of the club's routine exams."
Others seemed to imply the move was a way to boost the morale of the team's lone Asian-born player on the roster, Chan Ho Park of South Korea. Lending credence to this theory was that Park was, oddly enough, at the press conference.
"You seriously think it would make sense to bring a guy in from Taiwan to make me, a South Korean, feel more at home? Yeah, we're all the same, right? Fuck you." Park said. "The team may not have the most internationally sensitive or competent front office, but I'd like to think they're not as dumb as you and your question."
Some, though, don't think the front office has embraced other cultures enough in their hiring practices. That includes the Department of Labor according to a recent report. It turns out the Phillies are actually one Asian and/or Asian-American short of the quota set two years after the league achieved a sporting marketing coup with Ichiro Suzuki's joining the Seattle Mariners in 2001.
"I've said it again and again, leave us the hell alone until you can prove conclusively there is no Chinamen in Chase Utley, got it?" said Manuel. "The Department of Labor guys have nothing on us and can't prove anything."
"Did you just say that?" Park said after Manuel's comment. "Seriously, I'm so out of here. Fucking ridiculous."
However, a little research showed with the Phillies latest sponsor, the move to hire Wang was potentially just a not so family friendly marketing ploy.
"I assure you we came to the decision to pursue Wang with no pressure from upper management," Manuel said. "Just because we are now backed by Cialis has had no impact on our on the field moves. This conference is over!"
Manuel then knocked over his chair and ran out of the room.
Further research showed the team is also in the process of inking sponsorship deals with Trojan condoms, Hustler and the Philadelphia Gay News - all of which hinge on hiring Wang.
With financial pressures making the acquisition almost a certainty, the remaining question is will Wang be able to perform.
He has repeatedly insisted there is nothing wrong with him and after each failed start has said it "was the first time, I swear! This has never happened before."
He was also not interested in talking about his performance issues.
"Get out of my way you serf," an angry Wang said on his way out of the posh new Yankee Stadium after the recent loss to Cleveland. "I'm fine, one... two or three slightly rough starts in a row aren't indicative of a serious problem. I'm still all man."
However, citizens of the city and state of New York, the Indians, the Yankees players, staff and management, blind little girls and most everybody else aware of his situation begs to differ.
"I'm embarrassed for him right now, really," said disgraced former New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer, who was brought down when his involvement in a prostitution ring became public.
P.S. Just a friendly reminder that this "story" is totally made up and is just a goofy satire, kind of like Onion stories. Have a good one.
"I know he's been a bit limp out of the starting gate as of late," said Rich Dubee, the Phillies pitching coach. "I just see a lot of potential still in the kid."
Wang, who is now 0-3 on the season with a whopping 34.50 ERA after being rocked like a hurricane by the Cleveland Indians (yes, the Cleveland Indians) in a 22-4 loss, seems like an unlikely choice for any club to be courting but the Phillies seem interested.
"When he's hot, you've never seen a Wang explode like that kid can explode, all over the mound, you know?" Dubee said. "I'm optimistic we can work with Wang on his kinks and get him solid again."
Some are doubtful as to the true reasoning for the Phillies wanting to acquire the young talent.
The Phillies called a press conference to address rumors swirling around the team's odd choice of pitchers to pursue and reporters peppered Phillies Manager Charlie Manuel with questions about various potential reasons for the Phillies powerful desire for Wang.
Some questions hinted the move may be geared toward providing potential depth to a pitching arsenal that, when healthy is formidable, but has in the past suffered from mysterious feminine illnesses.
"Brad Lidge and his Lidginal issues last season have nothing to do with Wang... at least nothing to do with Chien-Ming Wang that is," Manuel said. "We're confident in Wang's health and that he'll pass all of the club's routine exams."
Others seemed to imply the move was a way to boost the morale of the team's lone Asian-born player on the roster, Chan Ho Park of South Korea. Lending credence to this theory was that Park was, oddly enough, at the press conference.
"You seriously think it would make sense to bring a guy in from Taiwan to make me, a South Korean, feel more at home? Yeah, we're all the same, right? Fuck you." Park said. "The team may not have the most internationally sensitive or competent front office, but I'd like to think they're not as dumb as you and your question."
Some, though, don't think the front office has embraced other cultures enough in their hiring practices. That includes the Department of Labor according to a recent report. It turns out the Phillies are actually one Asian and/or Asian-American short of the quota set two years after the league achieved a sporting marketing coup with Ichiro Suzuki's joining the Seattle Mariners in 2001.
"I've said it again and again, leave us the hell alone until you can prove conclusively there is no Chinamen in Chase Utley, got it?" said Manuel. "The Department of Labor guys have nothing on us and can't prove anything."
"Did you just say that?" Park said after Manuel's comment. "Seriously, I'm so out of here. Fucking ridiculous."
However, a little research showed with the Phillies latest sponsor, the move to hire Wang was potentially just a not so family friendly marketing ploy.
"I assure you we came to the decision to pursue Wang with no pressure from upper management," Manuel said. "Just because we are now backed by Cialis has had no impact on our on the field moves. This conference is over!"
Manuel then knocked over his chair and ran out of the room.
Further research showed the team is also in the process of inking sponsorship deals with Trojan condoms, Hustler and the Philadelphia Gay News - all of which hinge on hiring Wang.
With financial pressures making the acquisition almost a certainty, the remaining question is will Wang be able to perform.
He has repeatedly insisted there is nothing wrong with him and after each failed start has said it "was the first time, I swear! This has never happened before."
He was also not interested in talking about his performance issues.
"Get out of my way you serf," an angry Wang said on his way out of the posh new Yankee Stadium after the recent loss to Cleveland. "I'm fine, one... two or three slightly rough starts in a row aren't indicative of a serious problem. I'm still all man."
However, citizens of the city and state of New York, the Indians, the Yankees players, staff and management, blind little girls and most everybody else aware of his situation begs to differ.
"I'm embarrassed for him right now, really," said disgraced former New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer, who was brought down when his involvement in a prostitution ring became public.
P.S. Just a friendly reminder that this "story" is totally made up and is just a goofy satire, kind of like Onion stories. Have a good one.
Remember that lame club across the street from my apartment?
So the supremely cool night club across from my apartment is apparently upsetting the neighbors or something.
The door to get in my building had a notice on it saying some night this week the community board will be having a meeting to discuss the complaints made against the club and what course of action to take. Though I'm sure it would be entertaining, I don't think I'll be able to make it.... bummer.
I guess being the lamest place in the city might actually be against the law. Who knew?
The door to get in my building had a notice on it saying some night this week the community board will be having a meeting to discuss the complaints made against the club and what course of action to take. Though I'm sure it would be entertaining, I don't think I'll be able to make it.... bummer.
I guess being the lamest place in the city might actually be against the law. Who knew?
So I spent a little while in Minnesota...
So recently (I know I'm uberslow) for work I spent a couple weeks in St. Paul Minn., which of course means really one crucial thing. You guessed it, that means I had to go through Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport, the scene of Sen. Larry Craig's (R-Idaho) awesome, awesome bathroom shame.
Being the classy citizen that I am, I made a point to check this historical spot out. I quickly learned that while there are lots of pictures and some videos online dedicated to this particular potty pilgrimage, there really weren't any explicit maps for the someone who might not be familiar with the airport and might not have a lot of spare time. So... I made one with some hopefully helpful visuals.
At full size, this map is 8.5 by 11 inches, so it is perfect for
Both times I wandered into the bathroom, the stall in question was in use. Oh well, I wouldn't want to accidentally send some mysterious signal from there anyway. Though I should add that the bathroom as a whole, was filthy. Every toilet there was in need of flushing... gross.
Being the classy citizen that I am, I made a point to check this historical spot out. I quickly learned that while there are lots of pictures and some videos online dedicated to this particular potty pilgrimage, there really weren't any explicit maps for the someone who might not be familiar with the airport and might not have a lot of spare time. So... I made one with some hopefully helpful visuals.
At full size, this map is 8.5 by 11 inches, so it is perfect forprinting and carrying around the airport, though I
think I got a couple odd looks, but whatever.
think I got a couple odd looks, but whatever.
Both times I wandered into the bathroom, the stall in question was in use. Oh well, I wouldn't want to accidentally send some mysterious signal from there anyway. Though I should add that the bathroom as a whole, was filthy. Every toilet there was in need of flushing... gross.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
I headed toward Rockaway/Canarsie on the L on purpose this time...
So Friday night I went to an all-night party in this massive loft apartment in the Bushwick part of Brooklyn, which is a little ways out in the east via my old friend the L Train - toward Canarsie and Rockaway.
It was a lot of fun and when I left the sun was out and they were still going strong, but it was also one of the weirdest parties I've ever been to. I was definitely sort of an oddball out for a couple of reasons at least. First of all, I'm a gentile, hehe. As I would meet more people, a lot of them were actually from Israel, which was interesting. Also, I wasn't smoking anything there.
There was actually a decent sized open floor area where folks were dancing and doing whatever. At first the music was sort of slowed down, euro techno club music... until some of the guys busted out their instruments and starting playing - one had a fiddle, one had a banjo and the other had one of those large double basses you stand up on the ground. They basically turned the thing into a big drunken hoe down, which was hilarious and fun.
They played plenty of simple songs that everyone could sing along with and dance to and it was great.
It was definitely a little different than the Ham Festival in Cadiz, Ky., especially since I remember when I lived in the larger-than-Cadiz Hopkinsville, Ky., one of my coworkers casually mentioned in passing that while Hoptown didn't have a mosque, they at least at some point used to have a synagogue.
I also don't think they often lift folks up on chairs in Cadiz parties, like at Jewish weddings. Last night people were regularly lifted up on a chair and hoisted up and down and spun around... during both the "O Brother Where Art Thou"esque songs and the slowed down euro techno.
You might ask, wouldn't this be dangerous at an all night drunken party where some of the guests are also clearly enjoying more than just alcohol? You'd be right. After one solid face plant the chair pretty much stayed on the ground for the rest of the night.
Also interesting was around 5 in the morning someone brought out some incense and then some chanting and other odd stuff commenced, but it was all in good fun.
All in all it was definitely one of the weirder nights I've had in the city, but it was definitely a lot of fun and all the people were great and friendly as could be.
Oh yeah, I'm also going back to Texas again for a real quick Ike-related trip for the beginning of this week. It should be interesting. I'll be back to the city by Tuesday night.
It was a lot of fun and when I left the sun was out and they were still going strong, but it was also one of the weirdest parties I've ever been to. I was definitely sort of an oddball out for a couple of reasons at least. First of all, I'm a gentile, hehe. As I would meet more people, a lot of them were actually from Israel, which was interesting. Also, I wasn't smoking anything there.
There was actually a decent sized open floor area where folks were dancing and doing whatever. At first the music was sort of slowed down, euro techno club music... until some of the guys busted out their instruments and starting playing - one had a fiddle, one had a banjo and the other had one of those large double basses you stand up on the ground. They basically turned the thing into a big drunken hoe down, which was hilarious and fun.
They played plenty of simple songs that everyone could sing along with and dance to and it was great.
It was definitely a little different than the Ham Festival in Cadiz, Ky., especially since I remember when I lived in the larger-than-Cadiz Hopkinsville, Ky., one of my coworkers casually mentioned in passing that while Hoptown didn't have a mosque, they at least at some point used to have a synagogue.
I also don't think they often lift folks up on chairs in Cadiz parties, like at Jewish weddings. Last night people were regularly lifted up on a chair and hoisted up and down and spun around... during both the "O Brother Where Art Thou"esque songs and the slowed down euro techno.
You might ask, wouldn't this be dangerous at an all night drunken party where some of the guests are also clearly enjoying more than just alcohol? You'd be right. After one solid face plant the chair pretty much stayed on the ground for the rest of the night.
Also interesting was around 5 in the morning someone brought out some incense and then some chanting and other odd stuff commenced, but it was all in good fun.
All in all it was definitely one of the weirder nights I've had in the city, but it was definitely a lot of fun and all the people were great and friendly as could be.
Oh yeah, I'm also going back to Texas again for a real quick Ike-related trip for the beginning of this week. It should be interesting. I'll be back to the city by Tuesday night.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
I'm alive... I swear
Well, I know it's been like forever, but I am alive, hehe.
I've been keeping crazy busy lately (so busy I haven't really been able to blog much in fact, as you might have been able to tell...). So, here's some quick bullets, and yes I'm aware that I'll likely be skipping tons and tons of stuff.
* I spent a week in LA for a conference, which was a lot of fun. I got to hang out with an old roommate from college and see all the important spots, like the Rainbow Room and the Whiskey A Go Go and other great '80s metal hot spots. We also went to a Lakers game, where I managed not to get beat up even though I wasn't rooting for the Gay-kers at all during their double-overtime loss to the cellar-dweller Bobcats. We also did the touristy Hollywood things, like seeing some of the more important stars on the walk of stars...
And they have a mini-handprint place in front of a guitar shop on Sunset Strip with metal band handprints which was really cool (Iron Maiden's is pictured above, including Eddie!).
Sidenote on the LA subway... WTF. I know I'm spoiled with the NYC subway being 24 hours and tons and tons of stops all over, but the LA one was interesting. It closed really early, like 1ish, maybe 1:30... right before the bars close. It's also more of a commuter system it seems, for connecting suburbs to middle parts of the city. So the stations were all very, very spread out. LA was definitely not a walkable city, though that wasn't much of a surprise.
Also, the system is on an honor system... seriously. It's a $1.25 per ticket and you get it from the vending machine and keep it on you. You have to have it on you in case they check for tickets... I never saw a ticket checker the whole week. In fact, I was talking to a local who said he's been riding for years and has never been asked for a ticket and stopped by them two years ago.
Why ever is California is even worse off than a lot of other places budgetwise?... and LA might have to close down one of it's main jails freeing thousands of inmates... spectacular.
* We had a housewarming party take 2, which was a lot of fun. A handful of people did come and it was a fun night of drinking games and such.
* NYU recently hosted the saddest example of student activism the world may have ever seen. Some random students decided to occupy one of the food courts in one of the NYU buildings (as opposed to like the administration building like is normally the case) and started making random demands ranging from more budget transparency to off the wall demands related to the fashionable issue de jure - the Gaza Strip.
It was pretty fun to follow the "occupation" online.
My favorite part was when they started getting hungry because they apparently didn't plan ahead and the administration actually offered them food, but they wouldn't accept it unless it was vegan... then the administration agreed and then they wouldn't accept it because they were morally opposed to Aramark. Of course, they eventually did cave, on the food and overall.
After a couple days the admin turned off their free internet and a lot of people left. Then they went in and basically came in and kicked everyone out. The whole thing was hilarious, and the comments on the sites made it even better.
* I've started following failblog.org, which is a hilarious collection of pictures of people failing. Just check it out, which will be better than me trying to explain it further. Here's a couple fun examples...
see more pwn and owned pictures
see more pwn and owned pictures
see more pwn and owned pictures
* I absolutely love the Metropolitan Museum of Art and try to swing by there whenever I can. Last time I was there, I even got to overhear something to add to Overheard in New York around the medieval art:
Girlfriend: Spanish art is weird.
Boyfriend: Yeah.
Girlfriend: Those were some macabre motherfuckers.
Boyfriend: Yeah.
It hasn't made it on the site yet, but we'll see...
* I just found a little tandoori place by work with cheap "samosas," which I'd never heard of before. They were absolutely delicious and I'll be back. Looks like the dumpling folks might have some competition... especially since I found out my coworkers don't like the smell of the dumplings. Hopefully they'll prefer the smell of Indian food, hmmm... I guess we'll see.
It was so good I think I need to check out the Murray Hill neighborhood in Manhattan, which is apparently filled with Indian folk and often referred to as Curry Hill, which sounds delicious to me.
* It's freaking cold. I think I'm actually starting to get a little sick... hence me being in on Fat Tuesday :( I don't want to push my luck and try to nip this in the bud.
* So last night at Revival we got to see a real live hobbit! Frodo Baggins was rocking it with his posse... Elijah Wood popped in with some friends and chilled for a while, which was kind of random and kind of neat.
So, I'm actually keeping pretty busy causing trouble around here, but I'll try to post a little more often than every other month or so. G'night!
I've been keeping crazy busy lately (so busy I haven't really been able to blog much in fact, as you might have been able to tell...). So, here's some quick bullets, and yes I'm aware that I'll likely be skipping tons and tons of stuff.
* I spent a week in LA for a conference, which was a lot of fun. I got to hang out with an old roommate from college and see all the important spots, like the Rainbow Room and the Whiskey A Go Go and other great '80s metal hot spots. We also went to a Lakers game, where I managed not to get beat up even though I wasn't rooting for the Gay-kers at all during their double-overtime loss to the cellar-dweller Bobcats. We also did the touristy Hollywood things, like seeing some of the more important stars on the walk of stars...
And they have a mini-handprint place in front of a guitar shop on Sunset Strip with metal band handprints which was really cool (Iron Maiden's is pictured above, including Eddie!).
Sidenote on the LA subway... WTF. I know I'm spoiled with the NYC subway being 24 hours and tons and tons of stops all over, but the LA one was interesting. It closed really early, like 1ish, maybe 1:30... right before the bars close. It's also more of a commuter system it seems, for connecting suburbs to middle parts of the city. So the stations were all very, very spread out. LA was definitely not a walkable city, though that wasn't much of a surprise.
Also, the system is on an honor system... seriously. It's a $1.25 per ticket and you get it from the vending machine and keep it on you. You have to have it on you in case they check for tickets... I never saw a ticket checker the whole week. In fact, I was talking to a local who said he's been riding for years and has never been asked for a ticket and stopped by them two years ago.
Why ever is California is even worse off than a lot of other places budgetwise?... and LA might have to close down one of it's main jails freeing thousands of inmates... spectacular.
* We had a housewarming party take 2, which was a lot of fun. A handful of people did come and it was a fun night of drinking games and such.
* NYU recently hosted the saddest example of student activism the world may have ever seen. Some random students decided to occupy one of the food courts in one of the NYU buildings (as opposed to like the administration building like is normally the case) and started making random demands ranging from more budget transparency to off the wall demands related to the fashionable issue de jure - the Gaza Strip.
It was pretty fun to follow the "occupation" online.
My favorite part was when they started getting hungry because they apparently didn't plan ahead and the administration actually offered them food, but they wouldn't accept it unless it was vegan... then the administration agreed and then they wouldn't accept it because they were morally opposed to Aramark. Of course, they eventually did cave, on the food and overall.
After a couple days the admin turned off their free internet and a lot of people left. Then they went in and basically came in and kicked everyone out. The whole thing was hilarious, and the comments on the sites made it even better.
* I've started following failblog.org, which is a hilarious collection of pictures of people failing. Just check it out, which will be better than me trying to explain it further. Here's a couple fun examples...
see more pwn and owned pictures
see more pwn and owned pictures
see more pwn and owned pictures
* I absolutely love the Metropolitan Museum of Art and try to swing by there whenever I can. Last time I was there, I even got to overhear something to add to Overheard in New York around the medieval art:
Girlfriend: Spanish art is weird.
Boyfriend: Yeah.
Girlfriend: Those were some macabre motherfuckers.
Boyfriend: Yeah.
It hasn't made it on the site yet, but we'll see...
* I just found a little tandoori place by work with cheap "samosas," which I'd never heard of before. They were absolutely delicious and I'll be back. Looks like the dumpling folks might have some competition... especially since I found out my coworkers don't like the smell of the dumplings. Hopefully they'll prefer the smell of Indian food, hmmm... I guess we'll see.
It was so good I think I need to check out the Murray Hill neighborhood in Manhattan, which is apparently filled with Indian folk and often referred to as Curry Hill, which sounds delicious to me.
* It's freaking cold. I think I'm actually starting to get a little sick... hence me being in on Fat Tuesday :( I don't want to push my luck and try to nip this in the bud.
* So last night at Revival we got to see a real live hobbit! Frodo Baggins was rocking it with his posse... Elijah Wood popped in with some friends and chilled for a while, which was kind of random and kind of neat.
So, I'm actually keeping pretty busy causing trouble around here, but I'll try to post a little more often than every other month or so. G'night!
Friday, January 9, 2009
It's been a real long while so here are some post-Christmas bullets
Well, as per usual, I've been a lazy bum when it comes to posting.
I spent two awesome weeks in Florida and have been back in the city for a week now... which means it's time for bullets! Hooray...
* Florida was a blast. I got to see a lot of family and friends and do a lot of catching up... and I got some good D-Rays stuff to bring back to the city.
* Myself, my brother/sister, Lisa and Emacy played the third annual Hangover Cup (our traditional New Year's Day golf tournament.) Sadly, my brother won... because she's been taking lessons! That's so not fair and we're considering officially disqualifying him/her in the future so we'll see what happens with that.
I would have come in second, except I had a Phil Mickelsonesque collapse on the last hole that turned a four into a 9 giving Emacy a one stroke lead over me at the end of the day. I was like 20 feet from the green (it was on a little hill) and for whatever reason it took me like four tries with my wedge to get onto the green. It was fugly and I think Emacy may have peed himself he was laughing so hard.
Lisa came in fourth, despite being tied for the lead after the front nine with like a 63... he shot like a 78 on the back nine, we're all still a little confused...
* I'm officially addicted to "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia." I watched copious amounts with Emacy down in Florida and I've been watching it kind of non-stop since.
Here's a few fun clips...
When the gang makes a band and is a little weirded out by Charlie's lyrics:
Sweet Dee's trip to the shoe store:
Some of the fun from when the gang has to coach basketball as community service:
Anywho...
* It was in the 70's and 80's for most of the time while I was there... It was actually like 85 degrees when I flew out of Tampa. New York, however, was in the 40's. My coworker told me that on Thursday it may go below zero here (for the first time here since 1994...)
* I'm also addicted to a weird little MC Frontalot song I heard when I was hanging out with a friend at NYU after I got back...
The same day I heard that song we went to Brooklyn to see this free variety/comedy show which was pretty fun. The funniest part was the last comedian, Baron Vaughn.
Here's a random clip from a different show of his...
* After the show, we wandered over the the Trash Bar, with the free tater tots... which is always awesome.
* The other night I headed over to Revival and learned that science can be fun. One of the regulars taught everyone how to shotgun beer straight from the bottle in seconds. The trick is to stick a straw in with a bend at the end, and to seal your lips around the mouth of the bottle and have the end of the straw sticking out. Then as you chug, the air that goes into the straw and pushes the beer out allowing you to drink the whole bottle in about two or three seconds once you get good. So that made for an interesting evening to say the least. He said he learned it from some homeless drug addict, which tells me it might not be something to make a habit of, hmm...
* So last night I went with my roommate to a fancy night club in midtown near Times Square called Opera. A friend of hers got us on the VIP list so we skipped the line and didn't pay the cover, which was cool. Though we didn't wait in line, we still had to empty the pockets and get full pat down once inside, seriously full. I was thinking the guy owed me at least breakfast or something after he was finished. As for the free cover, the money saved went straight to the drinks though... $11 cocktails plus an automatic $2.50 tip on top = ouch at the end of the night, seriously. The people we met there were cool and I even got to shake my groove thing for a while on the floor.
I didn't spend the whole night on the dance floor though because I didn't want to show up the other dudes in the club and make them jealous, especially when I was doing the Margaret Thatcher a la MC Frontalot.
Oddly enough I didn't bump into a group of girls there like these ones from Sunny...
* Also, it snowed about half a foot yesterday, so that's fun.
I'm sure I missed a lot of things because I'm a bad person, but that should essentially catch things up since I'm so awful about updating.
P.S. Happy New Year!
I spent two awesome weeks in Florida and have been back in the city for a week now... which means it's time for bullets! Hooray...
* Florida was a blast. I got to see a lot of family and friends and do a lot of catching up... and I got some good D-Rays stuff to bring back to the city.
* Myself, my brother/sister, Lisa and Emacy played the third annual Hangover Cup (our traditional New Year's Day golf tournament.) Sadly, my brother won... because she's been taking lessons! That's so not fair and we're considering officially disqualifying him/her in the future so we'll see what happens with that.
I would have come in second, except I had a Phil Mickelsonesque collapse on the last hole that turned a four into a 9 giving Emacy a one stroke lead over me at the end of the day. I was like 20 feet from the green (it was on a little hill) and for whatever reason it took me like four tries with my wedge to get onto the green. It was fugly and I think Emacy may have peed himself he was laughing so hard.
Lisa came in fourth, despite being tied for the lead after the front nine with like a 63... he shot like a 78 on the back nine, we're all still a little confused...
* I'm officially addicted to "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia." I watched copious amounts with Emacy down in Florida and I've been watching it kind of non-stop since.
Here's a few fun clips...
When the gang makes a band and is a little weirded out by Charlie's lyrics:
Sweet Dee's trip to the shoe store:
Some of the fun from when the gang has to coach basketball as community service:
Anywho...
* It was in the 70's and 80's for most of the time while I was there... It was actually like 85 degrees when I flew out of Tampa. New York, however, was in the 40's. My coworker told me that on Thursday it may go below zero here (for the first time here since 1994...)
* I'm also addicted to a weird little MC Frontalot song I heard when I was hanging out with a friend at NYU after I got back...
The same day I heard that song we went to Brooklyn to see this free variety/comedy show which was pretty fun. The funniest part was the last comedian, Baron Vaughn.
Here's a random clip from a different show of his...
* After the show, we wandered over the the Trash Bar, with the free tater tots... which is always awesome.
* The other night I headed over to Revival and learned that science can be fun. One of the regulars taught everyone how to shotgun beer straight from the bottle in seconds. The trick is to stick a straw in with a bend at the end, and to seal your lips around the mouth of the bottle and have the end of the straw sticking out. Then as you chug, the air that goes into the straw and pushes the beer out allowing you to drink the whole bottle in about two or three seconds once you get good. So that made for an interesting evening to say the least. He said he learned it from some homeless drug addict, which tells me it might not be something to make a habit of, hmm...
* So last night I went with my roommate to a fancy night club in midtown near Times Square called Opera. A friend of hers got us on the VIP list so we skipped the line and didn't pay the cover, which was cool. Though we didn't wait in line, we still had to empty the pockets and get full pat down once inside, seriously full. I was thinking the guy owed me at least breakfast or something after he was finished. As for the free cover, the money saved went straight to the drinks though... $11 cocktails plus an automatic $2.50 tip on top = ouch at the end of the night, seriously. The people we met there were cool and I even got to shake my groove thing for a while on the floor.
I didn't spend the whole night on the dance floor though because I didn't want to show up the other dudes in the club and make them jealous, especially when I was doing the Margaret Thatcher a la MC Frontalot.
Oddly enough I didn't bump into a group of girls there like these ones from Sunny...
* Also, it snowed about half a foot yesterday, so that's fun.
I'm sure I missed a lot of things because I'm a bad person, but that should essentially catch things up since I'm so awful about updating.
P.S. Happy New Year!
Sunday, December 14, 2008
R-E-A-D-A-B-O-OK?
So I've been getting my read on a lot more since moving to the city, thanks to the whole subway commute thing. I even just finished reading a book on the history of cannibalism, Flesh and Blood: A History of the Cannibal Complex, that I got as a sort of oddball/gag gift in college... though I did go through that cannibalism phase for a bit there, hmm...The first chapter conveniently reminds the reader that, according to the snooty and judgmental author, eating people is wrong. I think she's British.
I've read most all the books I had brought from home. I even bought a book (it was a really cool financial history of the world). Hell... I've even been reading from the library! The next book I'll read is call "Black and Tans." I bought it a long time ago for real cheap... I'm not sure why I bought it, it's not actually about booze.
Oh wait, it's about the British Special police in Ireland, so it's presumably about abusing Irish folk - Micks and Paddies and such. Now it all makes sense.
Now that I'm starting to get the reading thing down I think I'm going to try to incorporate all the life lessons in this video my buddy Emacy Gay, we just shorten it to Emacy, in Florida told me to check out. (NSFW... and apparently some people found this video made by BET to be shown on BET offensive :( some people are just no fun)
Oh man, some guy on the train last night obviously missed the part about deodorant. I think he was Eastern European or something. Holy crap, he smelled so bad my roommate and I actually got up and moved to the end of the train. We could only go one direction though because on the other side of the train was a ranting crazy hobo yelling gibberish and I think yelling that someone needed to be arrested, I'm not sure, but he pretty much cleared out his half of the train. As a fun bonus, he would yell out the doors to all people waiting on the platforms.
As for the whole reading thing... I even read a whole biography of Jack Daniel, which was pretty interesting - and leads nicely into my next point... apparently I can do shots again, which is probably not a good thing. The other night I went to Revival and learned that I could indeed down Jack Daniel's shots if the cute girls next me at the bar challenged me to do one with them. All down hill from there... then I took my roommate the wrong way on the subway and we ended up in Brooklyn.
Fast forward to Friday night where the shots were flowing all night (my roommate reminded me Saturday that it had been one of the bartenders' birthdays...)
I ended up staying longer than the roomie and ended up going the wrong way on the L train again... basically all night. I woke up in Canarsie at least twice. I kept falling asleep on the train and ending up in kind of the far east side of Brooklyn. Then I would say to myself I need to stay awake this time, then I'd wake up again at Canarsie (the last stop). It's a bad sign on the subway to wake up and see open space and trees out the window instead of subway walls (which tends to be indicative of being far from Manhattan) and an even worse sign to wake up and see sunlight out the train window...
I eventually got home around 9:30 Saturday morning. I found out later, that it was my luck that the train was under construction that night and wasn't even going my direction from Revival at all, so the whole thing was a measure in futility. Luckily, by the morning when I did stay awake enough to get all the way home, the late night construction messing up the L train was done for the night and they were back on the day schedule. So it was just all part of my plan.
I told Emacy about it and he was kind of enough to wonder aloud the next day that he bets hobos and other folks teabagged my sleeping self. :( I hadn't thought of that...
Also, I've been watching a lot of Hulu lately. It's pretty much like my new favorite site. I can watch all the Simpsons, Galactica 1980 (the awesome but short-lived sequel to Battlestar Galactica after they've found Earth, word), Charlie's Angels, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia and whatever else I want!
They also have random clips, and I came across this random old Simpsons clip which is one of my all-time favorites...
And of course (especially for Crazy Carl), some Overheard, L train style...
Homey #1: Yo, hold up...Jesus was a virgin?! He went from 12 to 33 with nothing?Who knows, maybe a few weeks from now they'll be one looking like this:
Homey #2: Fuck that shit. He definitely got his dick sucked or buttfucked some bitches.
--L Train, 8th Avenue
Black guy opening engineer's door after 15 minutes of standstill: Yo, move this shit, or I'll drive it myself!
--Canarsie-bound L train
Drunk guy wakes up: Canarsie, again!? Shit!
-- L Train
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
A Kennedyless Senate in the near future? Not if my state has anything to say about it.
I hadn't imagined that moving to New York might put me on the cusp of being indirectly part of the Kennedy dynasty. Exciting stuff.
With all the talk of war and the economy, sometimes the most dire situation facing our nation gets overlooked. As Sen. Ted Kennedy gets older and his health wanes, the U.S. faces the grim spectre of a Kennedyless Senate.
You heard right, a Kennedyless Senate. It's been 56 years since America suffered such grim, grim days (except a brief period when JFK was pres and Teddy was too young to claim his hand-me-down spot, yet).
Luckily, it looks like New York's favorite celebrity carpetbagger legislator, Hillary Clinton, is heading back to Washington. Maybe her and Bill can now save a little money by not paying for their fake residence here in the Empire State that kept her eligible for the position.
With that free spot, Gov. David Paterson has the unique opportunity to rescue the country from the impending Senatorial quandary. All signs seem to be pointing to Caroline Kennedy. (At least she's a New Yorker, so she's got Hillary beaten on that front.)
Unfortunately, there are some troublemakers out there who feel that Senate seats should be given based on qualifications rather than famous last names... thankfully though, those naysayers will likely be overruled.
Oddly enough, Caroline Kennedy hasn't really shown much interest in holding any public office until now. Maybe she accidentally killed someone like her Uncle Teddy (and chose not to seek out aid) and needs to have that Senate immunity that helped him out back then...
On the bright side, at least our Senate replacement process here is just plain stupid (but not surprising), whereas Illinois' process is stupid, corrupt, dirty and just plain illegal (but alas, also not surprising).
I do love American politics.
Side note on the Illinois Senator issues... recent news of Gov. Blagojevich's wife and her potential involvement spawned one of my new favorite Post headlines... "She's One Nasty Blagoje-Bitch" Stay classy Post, stay classy.
With all the talk of war and the economy, sometimes the most dire situation facing our nation gets overlooked. As Sen. Ted Kennedy gets older and his health wanes, the U.S. faces the grim spectre of a Kennedyless Senate.
You heard right, a Kennedyless Senate. It's been 56 years since America suffered such grim, grim days (except a brief period when JFK was pres and Teddy was too young to claim his hand-me-down spot, yet).
Luckily, it looks like New York's favorite celebrity carpetbagger legislator, Hillary Clinton, is heading back to Washington. Maybe her and Bill can now save a little money by not paying for their fake residence here in the Empire State that kept her eligible for the position.
With that free spot, Gov. David Paterson has the unique opportunity to rescue the country from the impending Senatorial quandary. All signs seem to be pointing to Caroline Kennedy. (At least she's a New Yorker, so she's got Hillary beaten on that front.)
Unfortunately, there are some troublemakers out there who feel that Senate seats should be given based on qualifications rather than famous last names... thankfully though, those naysayers will likely be overruled.
Oddly enough, Caroline Kennedy hasn't really shown much interest in holding any public office until now. Maybe she accidentally killed someone like her Uncle Teddy (and chose not to seek out aid) and needs to have that Senate immunity that helped him out back then...
On the bright side, at least our Senate replacement process here is just plain stupid (but not surprising), whereas Illinois' process is stupid, corrupt, dirty and just plain illegal (but alas, also not surprising).
I do love American politics.
Side note on the Illinois Senator issues... recent news of Gov. Blagojevich's wife and her potential involvement spawned one of my new favorite Post headlines... "She's One Nasty Blagoje-Bitch" Stay classy Post, stay classy.
Monday, December 8, 2008
Watch a football game at the Meadowlands... check.
In a random turn of events, I ended up scoring a ticket to Sunday's Sheagles vs. Giants game at the Meadowlands.
All I had to do was be the designated driver, which suited me fine since a bottle of beer went for $7.75 in the stadium, which is insane. I just drank during the tailgate and not during the game and the post-game tailgate. The first tailgate was lunch, and the second one was dinner.
The folks I was with take their tailgating seriously.
We weren't the only ones who brought supplies, and pictured above is the full backyard grill, a case or two of beer, 15 bottles of wine and a veritable smorgasboard of all kinds of food that we brought.
And yes, that's snow on the truck (In Pennsylvania near Trenton, N.J.). There wasn't too much snow at the Meadowlands though... but I assure you it was freezing (literally) and there were some snow flurries. I'm still waiting for some real snow to hit the city, though some are forecasting for some real snow here later this week.
Being outside from about 10 a.m. until the evening, I got my fair share of freezing cold, and stinging winds.
Some folks were wandering the parking lot selling gloves and Giants stocking caps (and probably making a mint). Though the Giants (and Sheagles) gear they were selling was totally unlicensed, so one of the nearby salesfolk actually got taken away and cuffed by security. Don't mess with NFL infringement rights... apparently they take that shit seriously, word.
Despite the freezing and the game technically being in New Jersey and the Giants playing some fugly looking football (we lost 20-14), it was a lot of fun.
On a fun side note, each week the tickets to the games feature a picture of a different Giants star, and in a wonderful coincidence the tickets for this week's game all had last week's proud titleholder NFL's "Thug of the Week" - Plaxico Burress! Unfortunately, it can be a fairly competitive title to earn...
So while his recent trouble with the law and his accidentally shooting himself in the leg kept him from joining the Giants in their ugly on-field performance, at least he was there in spirit.
Here's a fun (and sad) team-by-team look at the widespread criminal issues that have been ongoing in the NFL since 2000. That might make for a fun blog to keep up... Hmmm...
Saturday, December 6, 2008
Apparently, the MTA wants my opinion...
Earlier this week on the way to work, a Metropolitan Transit Authority worker handed me an official MTA report card to fill out regarding the A train.
They asked all kinds of fun questions about things like delays, cleanliness and security and you rate them from unsatisfactory to excellent.
Apparently you can fill it out online like pictured above, but I filled out my paper one and mailed it (pre-paid postage) to the MTA folks... though the actual mailing address was some contractor/consultant in Maryland, since apparently New York City and state have nobody who can analyze surveys.
I'm sure some school, and we have plenty around here, would love to analyze the info for the MTA at a rock bottom price. I wonder how much they're paying for the surveys to be analyzed in Maryland, especially since the MTA is apparently beyond broke (facing a 2009 budget deficit of around $1.2 billion). It looks like they're going to be raising fares, making a lot of service cuts and adding some new tolls and such in the near future. Awesome...
As for the survey, it conveniently avoided any of the topics that are the biggest issues with the A train, like constant service changes and disruptions on the weekend and unreliability late at night.
Seriously, nearly every weekend the line is always whacked out, especially seemingly always having to take a shuttle bus instead of the train for part of the route (and the buses rarely show up). One time, we had been waiting a good while (and some angry other people had already been waiting a while when we got there) at the stop near my apartment, and the shuttle bus stopped a little before us and the driver got a hot dog from a vendor and just chilled there... 15 minutes later another shuttle bus came and stopped at the same hot dog vendor and had a little pow-wow with the other driver. The second bus eventually came and picked us up. It was a special kind of ridiculous.
The paper version of the survey was obviously not going through a scantron or anything, so I made sure to write my thoughts, in depth, on those issues in any white space I could find on the form... who knows, maybe I'll go ahead and write a letter about them to the MTA folks. Customer letters are always fun.
Also, one of the recent news stories around here is like a little taste of home - a teacher allegedly slept with her student somewhere in Jersey.
I know that teacher-student sex scandals happen everywhere (heck, I covered part of the trial for one that happened in a town of like 2,000), but the Tampa Bay area does seem to have more than its fair share. The Tampa Tribune has a fun little special section on the issue... though sadly I'm sure there are many, many incidents not listed...
We're just proud as punch...
And for the heck of it... some Overheard in New York from the A train:
Chick #1: What is your middle name?
Chick #2: I don't want to tell you.
Chick #1: Why won't you tell me what your middle name is? I showed you a picture of me naked!
Chick #2: That is so not the same. Your naked picture is on the Internet. Anyone can see it!
Mid-30s guy two seats away: I'm sorry, but what's the address of that website?
--A train
Conductor: This is West Fourth Street. Transfer is available to the A, C, E, F, and V trains.
Four-year-old girl: Mommy, he doesn't sing his ABCs right.
Mom: That's because he didn't go to college.
--A train
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