Sunday, October 18, 2009

MLB Commish: 'Fuck it,' 2009 postseason over

MILWAUKEE -- In a shocking and unprecedented move, Major League Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig called a surprise news conference at his home here to announce the cancellation of the rest of the ongoing postseason - citing the ever increasing possibility of a New York Yankees versus the Philadelphia Phillies World Series match up.

"I've been watching the playoffs closely and when I realized last night it was looking like the Yankees and the Phillies might both be heading to the World Series I knew I couldn't let that happen," a dejected looking, bleary-eyed Selig said, while still wearing his pajamas and addressing the media from his front porch. "What a waste of a season that would be, you know?"

Selig said he first considered the idea of cutting the season short when he realized the season of his favorite team, the Milwaukee Brewers, was pretty much a lost cause long before the playoffs began. Then when he saw the Yankees and the Phillies were both doing well in the playoffs he just knew he had to call the season. Right now the Yankees lead the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim 2-0 in the best-of-seven American League Championship Series and the Phillies are tied with the Los Angeles Dodgers at one game apiece in the National League Championship Series.

"I'm sitting there watching the 13-inning game last night where the Yankees beat the Angels and after my ninthish or so shot of Jim Beam, I just looked at the wall and said 'fuck it', you know?" a bedraggled looking Selig said to a confused looking audience of reporters and neighbors. "Who the hell really wants to see either of those teams be crowned anything again? I really think I'm doing America and the world a favor."

He then took no questions and went back inside.

The mysterious and sudden nature of Selig's decision has left the teams who had more games to play confused and angry and has also left the public to come up with their own theories on why he decided to cancel the rest of the postseason.

"Is this a joke?" asked Yankees slugger Derek Jeter, who recently semented his place in Yankees history by surpassing Yankees legend Lou Gehrig in career hand jobs this past September overcumming Gehrig's 2,721 mark earlier this season. "Nobody told me anything, but if the commissioner decided he didn't want to see us in the World Series, I guess I can't blame him. Like all goodhearted people, I've pretty much have hated the Yankees my whole life too, but they've refused to let me out of my contract all these years so I've been stuck."

The decision seemed especially vexing to those associated with the Dodgers organization, as they are tied with the Phillies in the NLCS and felt confident about their chances of making it to the now defunct World Series.

"I can understand Bud not liking the Phillies, I mean nobody really likes the Phillies, but we're not even out of this thing." said Dodgers Manager Joe Torre. "This is bullshit. There has to be more behind this thing than meets the eye. I mean, hell, our series is tied up, you know?"

Torre is not alone in his skepticism of the unexpected announcement. Selig's lack of any sensible or legitimate sounding explanation and sharp refusal to take questions has opened the door for a variety of theories as to why there will be no more baseball this year.

Feminists who had been heralding the historic nature of a possible Yankees-Phillies match up were the most vocal following Selig's announcement. If there was a World Series this year and the Yankees and Phillies had met in it, it would have marked the first time in MLB history that both teams in the World Series were "manned" entirely by female squads.

"Here we had a chance for the first all-female World Series and then out of nowhere the whole postseason is just stopped," said Ellen Etheridge, spokeswoman for the National Organization for Women. "Coincidence? I think not. What I think is that the commissioner sensed that baseball was on the edge of history and he just couldn't stand to see such a grand display of how far women have come in Major League Baseball."

Some Philadelphians believe public safety is more likely behind the decision than sexism, especially ones who saw their city descend into chaos following the Phillies World Series victory last year.

"I know most of Philly is usually pretty much like a terrible combination of 'Mad Max' and "Boyz n the Hood' anyway, but after the Phillies won last year the place really went nuts," said working girl William J. deKlerck, who lives and works in the Center City neighborhood of Philadelphia. "People were setting fire to anything they could find, I think I even saw someone try to light up a fire hydrant."

The sports betting world, which usually sees good times during any sporting playoffs, was hit hard by the decision. It seems to have left just one big winner in the high stakes game of MLB postseason Vegas betting. Sources in the sports betting business say they know of just one person who stands to win, possibly in the millions, as a result of the decision, saying that an anonymous gambler who goes by the mysterious moniker "Sud Belig," took the usually considered too high of a risk bet that the season would mysteriously end in the middle of the ALCS and the NLCS.