Wednesday, September 21, 2011

MLB looks into allegedly disturbing makeup of Yankee Stadium pitching mounds

NEW YORK - Pitching mounds at most Major League Baseball stadiums are made out of pretty standard materials, sand, dirt, tears from the away team locker room and maybe some contaminated material gathered from a nearby EPA cleanup site if the stadium is near New Jersey, of Pittsburgh.

Here in New York, some are claiming that the pitching mounds at Yankee Stadium might be made from something a bit more sinister though.

"It's like 'Soylent Green,' that creepy future movie!" said Joe Stanton of Staten Island. "They've been culling the poor performers from their summer kiddie camp for years, grinding them up and using them for mound fill for years."

Stanton is not the only one making claims that the Yankees have been using ground up children in their pitching mounds. Records show that since 2007, more than 50 claims have been filed with MLB alleging improper materials being used in the mound. The majority of those imply or at least seem to imply some sort of ground human material is being used in the mounds at the famed stadium.

The Yankees deny any wrongdoing or anything out of the ordinary when it comes to their mounds.

"Show me one team that doesn't have ground up children in their pitching mound and I'll show you a unicorn with a pig nose and three butts," said Frank Giotella, a Yankees spokesman who has been fired since our interview with him. "How else are we going to channel the energy of the kids into our veterans on the mound?"

Other Yankees spokespersons distanced the team from the allegations, noting that MLB's investigation was not complete and they declined to comment further until the league's report is released.

The families of those alleged to be ground up and used in the pitching mound at Yankee Stadium weren't so mum though.

"Just because my little kid brother can't hit a curveball from the pro pitcher that comes to camp one day during the summer doesn't mean he needs to be killed and ground up, right?" said Julie Vellaros, a Brooklyn native who claims that her little brother went to an exclusive Yankees baseball camp and never returned. "I mean, geez, A-Rod can't hit a curveball to save his life and they haven't ground him up yet, right?"

Vellaros also claimed that after the camp her family was paid an unusual visit by Yankees personnel.

"They came and asked for any stuffed animals or other soft personal effects of my brother's," she said. "I asked them why and they just laughed and said 'Nobody likes to pitch off of a hard mound, ground up bones have to be combined with soft possessions, duh!' and they left. It was the strangest day of my life."

Before being fired, Giotella confirmed that ground up people didn't make good pitching mounds unless some of their softer personal items were included in the fill.

"Everybody knows that the best mounds are made from ground people, and the best ground people mounds are made from a delicate mix of people and their softer possessions like sheets, pillows and especially stuffed animals in the case of kids," Giotella said. "It just adds a certain je ne sais quoi and most definitely helps the home team."

The only other team MLB is investigating for unusual material in their pitching mounds is the Detroit Tigers, who have been accused of padding their pitching mounds with the crushed hopes and dreams of Detroit's residents. While the Yankees are possibly facing public backlash and legal fallout if it's found they used ground people in their pitching mound, it's unclear what rules, if any, Detroit would have broken but the MLB is still investigating the matter.

(This is obviously completely fictitious and ridiculous, in the same vein as the Onion's satirical news stories, so please don't take it seriously in any way shape or form! lol)

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Mmmm... scenic Detroit, lol

So, essentially I have some family that lives in Michigan, near Detroit, and I love teasing them about that fact. They sent me a link to a silly fake Detroit tourism video that was pretty funny, but I felt it was seriously lacking in Robocop. So I threw together a Detroit tourism video set to the theme music from Robocop (which basically represents Detroit's past, present and future in my mind, lol) and it even includes some clips from the movie ...

I think this one more accurately displays the dystopic future that Detroit has now become, lol. Plus, I love the theme music from Robocop!

Friday, July 2, 2010

LeBron James stuns fans, switches sports and signs with Maple Leafs

LeBron James holds his new jersey up at a press conference announcing his move to the NHL. The move shocked and confused both hockey and basketball fans.

The high-profile free agency of basketball sensation LeBron James took a strange turn with the surprise announcement that he will be moving to Toronto, not to play for the Raptors of the NBA – but to play instead for the Maple Leafs of the NHL.

James stunned basketball and hockey fans alike with the decision to switch sports and sign the 2-year, $30 million deal with the Maple Leafs, which makes him the highest paid player in the history of hockey. Apparently the Leafs were able to exceed the league salary cap because the cap language only applies to “hockey players,” and the Leafs’ lawyers were successfully able to argue that clause did not apply to James, primarily a basketball player.

James said the money was a draw, but that mainly he just wants something new.

“I’m excited to be taking on something new and exciting with this whole hockey thing,” James said at a press conference at the Rogers Centre in Toronto while eating a bowl of poutine. “I’m kind of tired of basketball, you know? This way I can really be King James and stand out like never before.

“Plus,” he added. “How many of you all have ever lived in Ohio? Seriously? I still think it’s hilarious that anybody thought for a second I might stay in that decaying, Rust Belt hellhole.”

The move puts James in the same category as past two-sport athletes like Bo Jackson (football/baseball), Deion Sanders (football/baseball) and even his idol Chicago Bulls legend Michael Jordan who had a short, unsuccessful stint playing baseball in the Chicago White Sox farm system.

However, the combination of professional basketball and professional hockey is not common. Reporters at the conference questioned James’ hockey prowess, which he confidently defended.

“Look, it can’t be any harder than playing against guys like Kobe, D-Wayde or Bosh, right?” James asked, referring to other NBA superstars. “I’m sure that once I learn to ice skate, I’m gonna dominate the ice like I dominate the court. The NHL’s not ready for this, but I know I am.”

Fans seemed universally shocked at the move.

“I was really hoping he’d come to the Knicks,” said John Decker of New York City. “I mean, hockey? What the fuck? That’s almost as boring as soccer, and a lot colder to watch in person.”
He did, however, say that he would definitely watch James’ debut on the ice with the Leafs whenever it happens on television.

That is exactly what Toronto Maple Leafs president and general manager Brian Burke wants to hear. He said at the press conference that he was excited about the prospect of increasing the team’s fan base.

“We’ll be reaching a whole new audience with this signing,” Burke said. “LeBron has a strong fan base that we believe will follow him from across the United States to Toronto and from the NBA to the NHL.”

Hockey fans also seem confused and surprised.

“A basketball player lacing up, eh?” said Gordie Melrose, a Leafs fan living in Toronto. “The whole thing sounds like a crazy stunt that probably won’t help the team at all, eh. Did I hear him say in the conference that he doesn’t even know how to skate yet?”
James had been wooed by several NBA teams, but said the perks of living the True North were too much to pass up.

“Loonies, poutine and free healthcare? Sign me up, Canada has always intrigued me” said James. “And no, I never considered the Raptors even if I had wanted to stay in the NBA. If I ever wanted to play amateur ball, I would have gone to college.”

In the end though, James said the decision was really about cementing his place in sports history.

“When you think about it, nobody’s ever done anything quite like this,” James said. “Plus, there has only ever been one famous hockey player, right? Wayne Gretzky, or something like that. I figure once I get settled in I’ll be the king of the whole sport.”

Burke said it was unclear when James would make his debut on the ice for the Leafs, but assured reporters that the team wanted him playing as soon as possible. He did note that James would begin ice skating lessons once the team’s trainers were fully over their Canada Day hangovers.

Also of note, stock for the struggling Versus Network, which airs NHL games, doubled on news of James’ move to hockey, as analysts say it is now slightly more likely that the few Americans with access to the station may watch some of James’ games.
(Note - this is of course completely fake, and written in the style of the Onion... lol)

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Area woman extremely proud on Facebook that she works out, exists

Tampa -- A local IT specialist has proven to both friends and strangers alike, via the Internet, that she loves to work out and especially loves to talk about it, while also providing a disturbing trend of reminding the world she does indeed exist.

Michelle Lammom, 26, frequently regales friends about her workout habits via the social networking site Facebook, often posting at least one to two "status updates" per day featuring announcements like "Wow, I worked out hard today" and "Today's workout was rough, the guys at the clubs better notice these results."

"If I'm going to work my ass off in the gym, I at least want someone to know since I mostly workout to impress my guy friends," Lammom said. "Someday, one of them will realize how I really feel about them, and when that happens I want them to know how much I work out, you know?"

A quick look at Ms. Lammom's Facebook posting habits reveal that while workout posts are a dominant theme, they can sometimes be overshadowed by frequent announcements about her dinner plans (often alone) or even just sharing overall feelings of boredom with the world.

"I feel it's important that my Facebook friends know exactly what I'm doing at any given point, whether it's eating fast food, working out for the boys or just crying in the corner in a fetal position while fantasizing about sexy little hobbits with fabulous rings," said Lammom. " I mean, that's pretty much the whole point of Facebook, right?"

Some, however, would beg to differ on the idea that Facebook posts exist merely to prove as a reminder of one's existence.

"I'm really worried about her," said John Otiston, a local friend. "Most people talk about interesting things they've done or seen, or at least their damn virtual farms and shit. I mean, working out and masturbating to hobbits? Who gives a shit, right?"

Who gives a shit indeed, at least according to a recent Gallup poll that is. The poll shows that 82 percent of straight Americans do not want to hear more than two updates a week regarding a friend's workout habits.

Interestingly enough though, out of the homosexuals that participated in the poll, 66 percent said they like to hear about their friends' workout activity and a stunning 93 percents like to frequently post about their workout schedules.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

MLB Commish: 'Fuck it,' 2009 postseason over

MILWAUKEE -- In a shocking and unprecedented move, Major League Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig called a surprise news conference at his home here to announce the cancellation of the rest of the ongoing postseason - citing the ever increasing possibility of a New York Yankees versus the Philadelphia Phillies World Series match up.

"I've been watching the playoffs closely and when I realized last night it was looking like the Yankees and the Phillies might both be heading to the World Series I knew I couldn't let that happen," a dejected looking, bleary-eyed Selig said, while still wearing his pajamas and addressing the media from his front porch. "What a waste of a season that would be, you know?"

Selig said he first considered the idea of cutting the season short when he realized the season of his favorite team, the Milwaukee Brewers, was pretty much a lost cause long before the playoffs began. Then when he saw the Yankees and the Phillies were both doing well in the playoffs he just knew he had to call the season. Right now the Yankees lead the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim 2-0 in the best-of-seven American League Championship Series and the Phillies are tied with the Los Angeles Dodgers at one game apiece in the National League Championship Series.

"I'm sitting there watching the 13-inning game last night where the Yankees beat the Angels and after my ninthish or so shot of Jim Beam, I just looked at the wall and said 'fuck it', you know?" a bedraggled looking Selig said to a confused looking audience of reporters and neighbors. "Who the hell really wants to see either of those teams be crowned anything again? I really think I'm doing America and the world a favor."

He then took no questions and went back inside.

The mysterious and sudden nature of Selig's decision has left the teams who had more games to play confused and angry and has also left the public to come up with their own theories on why he decided to cancel the rest of the postseason.

"Is this a joke?" asked Yankees slugger Derek Jeter, who recently semented his place in Yankees history by surpassing Yankees legend Lou Gehrig in career hand jobs this past September overcumming Gehrig's 2,721 mark earlier this season. "Nobody told me anything, but if the commissioner decided he didn't want to see us in the World Series, I guess I can't blame him. Like all goodhearted people, I've pretty much have hated the Yankees my whole life too, but they've refused to let me out of my contract all these years so I've been stuck."

The decision seemed especially vexing to those associated with the Dodgers organization, as they are tied with the Phillies in the NLCS and felt confident about their chances of making it to the now defunct World Series.

"I can understand Bud not liking the Phillies, I mean nobody really likes the Phillies, but we're not even out of this thing." said Dodgers Manager Joe Torre. "This is bullshit. There has to be more behind this thing than meets the eye. I mean, hell, our series is tied up, you know?"

Torre is not alone in his skepticism of the unexpected announcement. Selig's lack of any sensible or legitimate sounding explanation and sharp refusal to take questions has opened the door for a variety of theories as to why there will be no more baseball this year.

Feminists who had been heralding the historic nature of a possible Yankees-Phillies match up were the most vocal following Selig's announcement. If there was a World Series this year and the Yankees and Phillies had met in it, it would have marked the first time in MLB history that both teams in the World Series were "manned" entirely by female squads.

"Here we had a chance for the first all-female World Series and then out of nowhere the whole postseason is just stopped," said Ellen Etheridge, spokeswoman for the National Organization for Women. "Coincidence? I think not. What I think is that the commissioner sensed that baseball was on the edge of history and he just couldn't stand to see such a grand display of how far women have come in Major League Baseball."

Some Philadelphians believe public safety is more likely behind the decision than sexism, especially ones who saw their city descend into chaos following the Phillies World Series victory last year.

"I know most of Philly is usually pretty much like a terrible combination of 'Mad Max' and "Boyz n the Hood' anyway, but after the Phillies won last year the place really went nuts," said working girl William J. deKlerck, who lives and works in the Center City neighborhood of Philadelphia. "People were setting fire to anything they could find, I think I even saw someone try to light up a fire hydrant."

The sports betting world, which usually sees good times during any sporting playoffs, was hit hard by the decision. It seems to have left just one big winner in the high stakes game of MLB postseason Vegas betting. Sources in the sports betting business say they know of just one person who stands to win, possibly in the millions, as a result of the decision, saying that an anonymous gambler who goes by the mysterious moniker "Sud Belig," took the usually considered too high of a risk bet that the season would mysteriously end in the middle of the ALCS and the NLCS.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Redemption for KFC after the EPIC FAIL that was their new grilled chicken...

Redemption. Kentucky Fried Chicken has redeemed itself following the genital numbing folly that was its “grilled chicken” the only way it possibly could have – through introducing a new product that can one could describe as a mouth orgasm that while arousing your taste buds may at the same time be gently easing your heart to sleep.

Kentucky Fried Chicken, rightfully so, has thrown their bandwagon attempt at a healthy makeover out the window and is currently test marketing a sandwich that is like a silver bullet straight to the heart (in more ways than one) - the Double Down.

It is made up of bacon, two kinds of cheese and a special mystery “colonel’s sauce” that’s delicious and a little tangy… the kicker though is that instead of bread, those ingredients are put between two original recipe boneless fried chicken breasts. You did not misread that. KFC has inched ever closer to the perfect “sandwich.” By removing the bread, which has historically been the flavorless Achilles’ heel of any sandwich, KFC has helped moved man further up the evolutionary ladder. As a bonus, you can easily get a side of gravy for dipping, which just adds to the amazingness.

That's right... I got a side of gravy for dippin',
I went there. I figure it couldn't make it much
worse healthwise anyway, right?

The Double Down is currently in the test marketing stage and only available in Providence, R.I., and Omaha, Neb. Luckily, Providence is a mere few hours away from here in New York…

After the shameful debacle that was the new grilled chicken at KFC, I had to combat the crisis in faith that followed. The Double Down was the sexy, scantily clad angel that came down and woke me up from my crisis with a juicy delicious artery hardening masterpiece… a hot, greasy, juicy angel with cheese, bacon and eleven herbs and spices.

Hopefully, the Double Down will make it out of the test markets and into the KFC’s nationwide… though there are some naysayers who have problems with the Double Down, since it is basically an artery clogging monster of a meal… but nobody’s forcing folks to eat them, right?

The only problems that could foreseeably hinder the nationwide onslaught of Double Downs causing mouth orgasms all around might be that A: They seemed a little too complex for the employees to keep up with making them B: they are extremely hot and burn the fingers (even through the paper thing they come in to hold them) and C: while making them amazing, they chicken breasts are incredibly juicy and tend to squirt scalding juicy goodness in random directions, which can be hazardous.

That being said, hopefully it gets its day and the world can know the tasty bliss that I got to know in Rhode Island this weekend.

Saturday, June 6, 2009

KFC's new grilled chicken? EPIC FAIL

Epic Fail

I tried KFC's new grilled chicken and it is with a heavy heart that I must report the blandness and overall lameness of KFC's newest endeavor. They have spent an exorbitant amount of money promoting this new product, but perhaps they should spent some of that cash giving the new product some flavor.

For whatever reason, as I understood it, I thought the new grilled chicken was supposed to have a taste somewhat similar to and based on the same amazing flavors as the colonel's original recipe - just without a delicious fried skin. Unfortunately the new grilled chicken did not have the amazingly woven tapestry of sometimes even described as "arousing" flavors as original recipe chicken... in fact, it had no flavor. Col. Sanders is probably rolling over in his grave in Louisville. Even if its taste not supposed to have any relation to the 11 herbs and spices, they should have attempted to give it some kind of flavor.

Words can't describe the numbing disappointment at biting into the grilled chicken breast and tasting... nothing. In the flavor department, it was almost like a chicken breast from the supermarket that was casually thrown on a backyard grill with no preparation or even the most minimal thought. I will say it was juicy, which goes in the plus column... but that's about all that can legitimately go in that column... a lonely and shame filled column indeed.

The even greater concern is the rumblings that corporate KFC plans to rebrand the companies image to reflect fried and grilled chicken as on the same footing in an attempt to cater to the yuppie crowd that prefers the flavorless to the delicious...

KF&GC? That sounds like something out of the Book of Revelations if you ask me.

Those who know me best know that I have a profound, even oft considered disturbing, passion for Kentucky Fried Chicken and its lore. That is why it pains me to pan their newest product, especially when they seem to have spent so much time and treasure trying to promote its virtues.

Please, don't make my mistake and indulge in an entire meal's worth of KFC's grilled chicken, lest you be resigned to an incomparable disappointment so profound that you may not even be able to perform in the bedroom for a time due to the extreme sadness that is bound to follow. Yes, the new grilled chicken was such a tremendous emotional let down that I'm implying it could in extreme cases lead to temporary impotence.

Perhaps I'll have to add a tear rolling down the Colonel's face to this piece
of artwork decorating my apartment.