NEW YORK - Pitching mounds at most Major League Baseball stadiums are made out of pretty standard materials, sand, dirt, tears from the away team locker room and maybe some contaminated material gathered from a nearby EPA cleanup site if the stadium is near New Jersey, of Pittsburgh.
Here in New York, some are claiming that the pitching mounds at Yankee Stadium might be made from something a bit more sinister though.
"It's like 'Soylent Green,' that creepy future movie!" said Joe Stanton of Staten Island. "They've been culling the poor performers from their summer kiddie camp for years, grinding them up and using them for mound fill for years."
Stanton is not the only one making claims that the Yankees have been using ground up children in their pitching mounds. Records show that since 2007, more than 50 claims have been filed with MLB alleging improper materials being used in the mound. The majority of those imply or at least seem to imply some sort of ground human material is being used in the mounds at the famed stadium.
The Yankees deny any wrongdoing or anything out of the ordinary when it comes to their mounds.
"Show me one team that doesn't have ground up children in their pitching mound and I'll show you a unicorn with a pig nose and three butts," said Frank Giotella, a Yankees spokesman who has been fired since our interview with him. "How else are we going to channel the energy of the kids into our veterans on the mound?"
Other Yankees spokespersons distanced the team from the allegations, noting that MLB's investigation was not complete and they declined to comment further until the league's report is released.
The families of those alleged to be ground up and used in the pitching mound at Yankee Stadium weren't so mum though.
"Just because my little kid brother can't hit a curveball from the pro pitcher that comes to camp one day during the summer doesn't mean he needs to be killed and ground up, right?" said Julie Vellaros, a Brooklyn native who claims that her little brother went to an exclusive Yankees baseball camp and never returned. "I mean, geez, A-Rod can't hit a curveball to save his life and they haven't ground him up yet, right?"
Vellaros also claimed that after the camp her family was paid an unusual visit by Yankees personnel.
"They came and asked for any stuffed animals or other soft personal effects of my brother's," she said. "I asked them why and they just laughed and said 'Nobody likes to pitch off of a hard mound, ground up bones have to be combined with soft possessions, duh!' and they left. It was the strangest day of my life."
Before being fired, Giotella confirmed that ground up people didn't make good pitching mounds unless some of their softer personal items were included in the fill.
"Everybody knows that the best mounds are made from ground people, and the best ground people mounds are made from a delicate mix of people and their softer possessions like sheets, pillows and especially stuffed animals in the case of kids," Giotella said. "It just adds a certain je ne sais quoi and most definitely helps the home team."
The only other team MLB is investigating for unusual material in their pitching mounds is the Detroit Tigers, who have been accused of padding their pitching mounds with the crushed hopes and dreams of Detroit's residents. While the Yankees are possibly facing public backlash and legal fallout if it's found they used ground people in their pitching mound, it's unclear what rules, if any, Detroit would have broken but the MLB is still investigating the matter.
(This is obviously completely fictitious and ridiculous, in the same vein as the Onion's satirical news stories, so please don't take it seriously in any way shape or form! lol)