Monday, April 20, 2009

Phillies crave Wang, nobody is surprised

PHILADELPHIA -- While the Yankees struggle to figure out what seems to be wrong with their starter Chien-Ming Wang, it seems the Philadelphia Phillies are pushing to make a trade for him as a both clever and disturbing marketing move.

"I know he's been a bit limp out of the starting gate as of late," said Rich Dubee, the Phillies pitching coach. "I just see a lot of potential still in the kid."

Wang, who is now 0-3 on the season with a whopping 34.50 ERA after being rocked like a hurricane by the Cleveland Indians (yes, the Cleveland Indians) in a 22-4 loss, seems like an unlikely choice for any club to be courting but the Phillies seem interested.

"When he's hot, you've never seen a Wang explode like that kid can explode, all over the mound, you know?" Dubee said. "I'm optimistic we can work with Wang on his kinks and get him solid again."

Some are doubtful as to the true reasoning for the Phillies wanting to acquire the young talent.

The Phillies called a press conference to address rumors swirling around the team's odd choice of pitchers to pursue and reporters peppered Phillies Manager Charlie Manuel with questions about various potential reasons for the Phillies powerful desire for Wang.

Some questions hinted the move may be geared toward providing potential depth to a pitching arsenal that, when healthy is formidable, but has in the past suffered from mysterious feminine illnesses.

"Brad Lidge and his Lidginal issues last season have nothing to do with Wang... at least nothing to do with Chien-Ming Wang that is," Manuel said. "We're confident in Wang's health and that he'll pass all of the club's routine exams."

Others seemed to imply the move was a way to boost the morale of the team's lone Asian-born player on the roster, Chan Ho Park of South Korea. Lending credence to this theory was that Park was, oddly enough, at the press conference.

"You seriously think it would make sense to bring a guy in from Taiwan to make me, a South Korean, feel more at home? Yeah, we're all the same, right? Fuck you." Park said. "The team may not have the most internationally sensitive or competent front office, but I'd like to think they're not as dumb as you and your question."

Some, though, don't think the front office has embraced other cultures enough in their hiring practices. That includes the Department of Labor according to a recent report. It turns out the Phillies are actually one Asian and/or Asian-American short of the quota set two years after the league achieved a sporting marketing coup with Ichiro Suzuki's joining the Seattle Mariners in 2001.

"I've said it again and again, leave us the hell alone until you can prove conclusively there is no Chinamen in Chase Utley, got it?" said Manuel. "The Department of Labor guys have nothing on us and can't prove anything."

"Did you just say that?" Park said after Manuel's comment. "Seriously, I'm so out of here. Fucking ridiculous."

However, a little research showed with the Phillies latest sponsor, the move to hire Wang was potentially just a not so family friendly marketing ploy.

"I assure you we came to the decision to pursue Wang with no pressure from upper management," Manuel said. "Just because we are now backed by Cialis has had no impact on our on the field moves. This conference is over!"

Manuel then knocked over his chair and ran out of the room.

Further research showed the team is also in the process of inking sponsorship deals with Trojan condoms, Hustler and the Philadelphia Gay News - all of which hinge on hiring Wang.

With financial pressures making the acquisition almost a certainty, the remaining question is will Wang be able to perform.

He has repeatedly insisted there is nothing wrong with him and after each failed start has said it "was the first time, I swear! This has never happened before."

He was also not interested in talking about his performance issues.

"Get out of my way you serf," an angry Wang said on his way out of the posh new Yankee Stadium after the recent loss to Cleveland. "I'm fine, one... two or three slightly rough starts in a row aren't indicative of a serious problem. I'm still all man."

However, citizens of the city and state of New York, the Indians, the Yankees players, staff and management, blind little girls and most everybody else aware of his situation begs to differ.

"I'm embarrassed for him right now, really," said disgraced former New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer, who was brought down when his involvement in a prostitution ring became public.

P.S. Just a friendly reminder that this "story" is totally made up and is just a goofy satire, kind of like Onion stories. Have a good one.

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